


The new recruit

by Alexasnow



Category: Cullen Rutherford - Fandom, Dragon Age (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Smut, F/M, Love, Near Death, Not Beta Read, POV Second Person, does not follow games sequence of events
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-26
Updated: 2016-08-04
Packaged: 2018-05-16 10:45:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 24
Words: 38,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5825542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alexasnow/pseuds/Alexasnow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are new to the Templar order. Getting to know your commander leads to complications</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Commander Cullen

You were new to the Templar order, eager to make a good impression. Commander Cullen had inducted you, tried to prepare you for all becoming a Templar would entail. 

You were nervous; you wanted to ask so many questions but always faltered among your peers, who all seemed so calm and confident. It couldn’t just be you with this sense of being on edge, you had heard what lyrium did to people, you had witnesses it first hand, but you wanted to serve.

Your family had had many honored members of the order over the years; a lot to live up to, the pressure got so much at times you had to escape. You often walked over to a quiet place you found in the woods, next to a rushing stream. You were letting the sounds of the lapping water calm your busy mind, and soothe your frayed nerves. You had settled in, lying upon the ground, your hand tracing the cool streams surface, enjoying the rush of cold, and the pressure of the current, you could always find peace here.

When someone destroyed your calm “what on earth are you doing?” You heard a mildly amused Cullen pose.

You turned swiftly, your cheeks flushed “nothing sir, it is just peaceful out here”

He rolled his eyes, but the smile remained. He had a captivating smile, you had come to notice, and it spread to his eyes, making them brighter somehow. You realized you were staring and corrected your manner, pulling up, you salute your commander, putting on a stern expression.

“At ease solider, you are allowed time to yourself, and I understand your families legacy must be a burden to live up to”

You had not expected him to be so gentle and understanding, you had been waiting for him to chide, or reprimand you. He did neither; in fact on your many trips to your peaceful escape Cullen joined you. At times you stayed in a comfortable silence, other times you were eager to pick his brain, and he was glad to teach.

You had forgotten to ask him a question, as you couldn’t find peace, you wondered over to his quarters. He often stayed up late, so he wouldn’t mind, you assured yourself. The door was unlocked, and a jar, your eyes widened when you heard groans begin to fill his chambers, you were about to rush in, when it dawned upon you, those were groans of pleasure not pain.

You froze, embarrassed but tempted to push inside to watch him teasing his cock; you wondered who his thoughts were of. Your cheeks were a flame, but you could not move, nor did you want to, you had not dared to think of him in such a way until this moment. Even though he was an attractive man, you always forced yourself to remain professional, and respect the authority he held.

But now, hearing the soft groans echoing, you held as still as possible, not wishing to alert him, as he would be embarrassed you told yourself. You were desperate to drink in the image of him, his hand pumping hard as he grew close, oh to watch that face contort with pleasure, the thought alone was enough to make you tremble.

When you heard him softly groan a name, again louder still, you couldn’t believe what you were hearing. But there was no mistaking it, your name was too distinctive to belong to another. You were already feeling aroused, when you heard him groan out his orgasm, he sounded so good, you wanted to have had the courage to go in there and ask if he needed assistance, the bold thought thrilled you, you wanted to touch yourself as you were now desperate for a release. But your nerve went in that moment, you heard he was moving toward the door, your heart in your throat you bolted. 

Back in your own quarters, you were trying to catch your breath quietly, as not to awake your roommate. You still couldn’t believe what you had heard. As his groans replayed in your mind, you felt more than frustrated as you tried to sleep, you wanted to take the edge of the thrill coursing through you, but you knew you wouldn’t be able to remain quiet if you thought of him. You bit your lip harshly, and after a time fell to a restless sleep, you wouldn’t be able to see him the same way again, which was both was good and bad.

You woke up hearing the call to training, you were running late again, you readied in haste, but your crest, the Templar crest you couldn’t find it. You turned the room upside down looking for it, now you really were late, you dashed out in a panic, knowing you were now in trouble, and worse still Cullen would be the one to reprimand you, how would you look him in the eye.

You walked out to the training yard, the silence was deafening, all you could here was clinking if your armor, you fell into line, dropping your eyes to ground.

“Recruit; care to explain your lateness to the rest of us? Why are we unworthy of your respect, you will look me in the eye recruit, now” he ordered.

You had flinched with each harsh word, looking up at him slowly, his expression stern. You could only think to give him the truth.

“Commander I apologize, you and my peers are more than worthy of respect, I mislaid my crest, and my uniform did not seem fitting without it”

His eyes widened, he pulled something free of his pocket “I believe this is yours”

You were stunned into silence, your cheeks flushed, he knew it was you who had been outside his door, what must he think of you, you cringed internally, wanting to disappear.

“Well we shan’t waste any more time on you, you will however train for hours after your peers, rations will not be provided to you”

A deserving punishment, but you felt the harshness of it was of a personal nature. You trained long into the twilight hours, exhausted, you cleaned up, and donned casual attire, as you needed to forget the day, escape this place. Your roommate must have been at dinner, your stomach growled in protest, you apologized knowing you would not eat until tomorrow, and that would be after training, you hoped you wouldn’t keel over, as the trainers asked for and expected much.

Sneaking away quietly, you took a lantern with you, to hold back the darkness, You rarely ventured there at night, but you felt you needed the escape more than ever. Sitting with your back to your favorite tree, you settled in.

“I thought I might find you here” Cullen whispered.

You jolted back crying in reflex “don’t do that, sneaking up on people” you breathed deeply, recovering from the initial shock.

“Why where you outside my door? Spying listening in? Get what you needed did you? I should have you thrown out for such a display of disloyalty”

No small talk, he jumped straight to the point, he was furious, and embarrassed. But he only displayed his anger, you could see the subtle embarrassment written across his face. The vein on his forehead bulged, but his cheeks flushed, and eye contact sparse.

“No it was nothing like that, I couldn’t sleep, and I had the intent of asking you a question was all, but I lost my nerve” you added defensively, only telling half the story.

His expression softened, but his eyes widened as he asked “what did you hear?”

“Nothing commander, I swear” you wished you had left the last part of the sentence off, I swear was not comforting or convincing.

His face was red, his eye contact none existent, he moved about nervously unsure whether to just leave, and hope it would be forgotten. But he stopped and stood before you, calling you to stand.

You were so nervous your legs wobbled, you pressed your back to the tree for support.

“I apologize, I rarely get to know my recruits so well, and I have disrespected you thinking of you in such a manner, what must you think of me”

His eye contact intense, he faltered. You wanted to tell him not to worry, you were flattered, but no words came out, you were so nervous the lump in your throat prevented a single word from passing. He left looking ashamed; you called after him when you found your voice again. But it was too late, he was out of ear shot, and now you felt awful, you berated yourself, wishing you had the confidence, the guts to tell him how you felt, but you hadn’t and now you both felt terrible.

You returned from your peaceful place, feeling less at peace than when you had left. You walked in to see your roommate reading something, her brow furrowed.

“What is it?” 

“Well it seems that we will be receiving a new commander, Cullen has asked for a transfer, damn it. He is the best commander, and the nicest, the rest of them are a cold humorless bunch, I wonder who we will get” she finished with a very weary expression.

This couldn’t just be because of you, there had to be more to it. Either way you didn’t want him to go, he was a wonderful teacher, you had learnt so much. Lryuim would be what was next, you didn’t feel you could handle such a trail without him.

“Where are you going? You only just got back”

“Nowhere” you shouted back, as your anger a fear both fueled you to go and speak with Cullen, you knew this confidence or foolishness wouldn’t last, so you had to act now.


	2. parting ways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen is to transfer, you have to say your piece before its to late

You tore over to his office with no idea of what you planned to say, You just knew I had to say something. You hammered relentlessly upon the door, not caring that the harsh wood was burning your knuckles.

Finally he answered "what in andraste’s name?, you round think the blight was upon us"

He ushered you in, you had drawn enough unwanted attention.

"You're leaving?" You stated accusingly, before he had even had a chance to finish closing the door.

"Yes, transfers happen recruit, you should get used to change, it's the way of the world" He closed the door, rounding to his desk, taking a seat. You remained standing, you were too nervous to sit still. 

"Is it because of me?" You stated before thinking better of it, flinching on account of how self-important it sounded.

"You do think awfully high of yourself"

"No, that came out wrong, I feel like proverbial straw, one reason of many"

"I suppose you are, well it's more my behavior with you, and I have started questioning things, I don't feel as committed as I should, please don't repeat that beyond those doors"

"I won't, I did want to tell you that I was flattered that you think of me in any manner"

"Ah yes that" his cheeks flushed, he shifted in his chair pulling up, walking around taking a seat at the edge of his desk, dangerously close to you. "I am deathly embarrassed, these are things the women involved are never meant to know"

"I understand, it's not something you wish to pursue" you added sorrowfully, giving him a way of the hook, as your confidence, and bluster were now fading.

He took his hand under your chin, forcing eye contact, unlike him to be so bold. "Don't be so modest, you are a beautiful woman, and I would pursue you if it were possible, I love your company, that's more than I can say for most" he smiled. He let your face go quickly, looking like he didn’t know what to do with this hand with a mind of its own, so it ended up placed nervously upon the back of his neck, before dropping back to his side.

"So you're still leaving?" You sighed.

"Yes of course, but I suppose if you're not adverse to writing letters, I guess letters couldn't hurt. Just to stay in contact, I would like you in my life in some form. I don't write well but I will make the effort for you" he smiled awkwardly; it was endearing to see a handsome man so bashful.

You hated the idea of not seeing him daily, but what could you do; he had made up his mind. You managed not to cry the whole time you spoke, and when you finally said goodbye, you left clinging to the address in hand, like a lifeline. You walked back slowly, feeling deflated, it had been something, but it still saddened you.

You pulled into bed, pulling the sheets around you, and you wept silently. You knew he was right about change, but it didn't change the fact that you hated change, you hated endings, they always left you feeling empty, and a drift. At this moment you drifted in the void, the unknown taunting you with all the unending negative possibilities. The main featured thought was the new commander being a tyrant, and everyone somehow knowing you had a hand in the change, and then hating you for it.

You didn't drift easily into sleep, you were resistant to what the morning would bring, your tired eyes heavy. You forced them open one last time, recalling things as they were, clinging to that memory, as sleep dragged you into the future, bringing tomorrow with it.

The call had sounded, you were dressed, but you sat I'll at ease in the edge of your bed, willing yourself to get up, you had t managed it yet. You forced yourself up to your feet, not wanting to cross that courtyard and see a different face, you missed him already.

Your fellow Templar's were already lined up, you fell in not wanting to greet your new commander, you knew it was a childish way to think but you were still holding on to some dim hope that it was all a nightmare. To look up would be confirmation, eventually out of respect you were forced to.

Commander Winters was alike to his name, cold, and harsh. His eyes froze you to the spot, his state unrelenting, his scarred, and harsh featured made him an intimidating man to behold. His dark hair, only sharpened his sharp edges.   
Not like a diamond, more like broken glass, dangerous and painful. He was harsh on each Templar, he showed no mercy, and this was the man who would guide us through the agony of taking Lyruim, you feared your chances with such a mentor.

The only thing that kept you going was writing to Cullen, when you received your first reply you were positively giddy. You read it over many times, treasuring the effort he made to be eloquent, descriptive, and asking you how you were. You could almost imagine how awkward he felt writing this letter; you smiled hearing the letter in his voice in your mind.

The letters grew more at ease; he even tried to be humorous, and cloaked a mild flirtation. You couldn't believe he was still writing never mind flirting with you. You held your most recent letter to your chest, then reading it again with a giant grin plastered upon your face.

Your roommate snatched it from you, you panicked for a moment, but you recalled you need not worry, as thankfully he didn't use his name, due to the paranoia you both shared about being caught out. And his words were too proper for another to understand.

"So who is the mystery man boring you with his life? He is a Templar I gather. You know this reads a bit like?" She giggled. "Sounds like Cullen; this man must be alike to him"

"What makes you say that?" You were hoping to throw her off the trail entirely.

"Just so proper, I was hoping for a juicy letter, never mind, I will figure it out" she continued.

You were just glad she hadn't noticed how your eyes widened upon mentioning Cullen; she wasn't one for picking up on subtly. 

It just annoyed you that nothing was sacred; you weren't even allowed to enjoy the one thing that made you happy. Now your roommate teased you relentlessly in company, and when it was just the two of you. Angling over whenever you set to write, you had to begin writing in secret, and reading away from prying eyes, to keep Cullen's words to yourself.

Your trials would soon begin, and you hesitated to ask what you wanted to ask, you both needed and wanted, you wanted Cullen to be with you, but it could not be, so you would have to hope your roommate could take something seriously for once.

You let slip how frightened and on edge you were, you told the truth to only to him. You received a letter stating he would be visiting the training ground, you didn't care for his reasons, only that he would be there the day of your trial, you secretly hoped that was the reason for his visit, even if he would never admit it.


	3. The trials

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You prepare for Cullen's arrival, and your Lyruim trials

You were so eagerly awaiting Cullen's arrival, you hadn't realized you had forgotten something very important. He was at the fore of your mind, but you were neglecting your duties, and your roommate reminded you of the imperative you had forgotten.

"Where is your philter?"

You realize you hadn't constructed one, Winters was not a forgiving man, and even if he was, this was negligent even for you. Maybe this is why relationships aren't meant to occur between commanders and recruits, your focus is required for your path alone.

You began to feel a growing sense of anxiety, you rushed about gathering the materials in a frenzy, now you only had until morning to do it, you wouldn't be sleeping tonight. You slaved over the necessary parts all night, exhausted and weary, you manage to finish. It isn't as polished as you would have liked, but as crude as they are, it's better than turning in empty handed. The ramifications to you, and your family name would be far reaching, you would be dishonored and homeless. You hoped the philter you had constructed would manage to hold the Lyruim.

You felt you had only added to your list of worries, first you were worried about how you would handle lyruim, and now you had to concern yourself with a faulty philter. 

You take deep breaths trying to calm your nerves, feeling a little delirious from lack of sleep. When you stepped out into the yard, you know you are about to dedicate your life to the Templar calling, you hope you are ready. You used a bit of lyruim in the philter to assure yourself it wouldn't crack or leak, it seemed fine.

Falling into line, your eyes are wide and wild, you are observing your comrades suspiciously, they looked too calm. Winters calls upon you first, you weren't meant to be first, you are more nervous than ever, he asked you to step in to his office.

You step inside, worrying as to how things will go, your father, brother, and older sister all managed their trials well, your father had the most uneventful trial handling it so well. So well in the beginning yes, but in the end he lost his mind to it, his memories lost, but he remained a legend. They hadn't had to witness him fading away, no that was you, your sister and brother were away in training, and your mother was no help. 

But you had faith, and you wanted to make your family proud, you clung to the memories of the glory your father spoke of, as the confused frightened old man was not encouraging, or bode well for the future. Besides you thought morosely, you weren't as good a fighter as any of them you probably wouldn't live long enough to see that future.

Winters was glowering at you "recruit, given your families high standing with the order I will not make a scene. But have you been taking Lyruim before hand?"

"No sir, what makes you think that" you asked with an obvious tinge of paranoia.

"Do not lie to me" he bawled.

You sat up bolt right in your chair, staring at him "I did not take anything, I worried the philter I made would not hold, so I tested it"

"Maker help us, you foolish child, what form was it in?"

"It's solid form, but I followed the instructions on how to make it safe"

"How long was your exposure to the ore itself?"

"An hour at the most"

"Maker, be thankful you remember your own name, come with me now" his tone switching between concern, and fury. He wanted to reprimand you, but he wanted you to be ok. Taking you to the chantry sisters as they had medical training, they lay you upon a bed, told you to drink a medicinal remedy. You choked it back, it was vile, the consistency thick, and lumpy. The taste bitter, it felt like it took a layer of skin off your mouth. The after taste stuck in your mouth, you barely kept it down

Winters had offered to stay with you, this was another side to Winters, he almost took on the role of a concerned father. "Commander" you stammered, starting to feel strange. "My father was a great Templar, and now he doesn't remember a thing, is it worth it?"

You half expected him to kick you out, leave you to suffer, after letting slip such a faithless statement. Instead his hand upon yours and simply stated "one can hope so"

It was comforting to know he was human, you drifted in and out of consciousness for sometime. You stirred in a delirium, then in agony, finally you were sick for hours. Your stomach in pain from all the heaving, your throat burned from the retching. 

You could have sworn you had seen Cullen, but in this state it may have been your senses playing tricks upon you. You dragged yourself over to the bed, clinging to your stomach.

"What on earth have you done to yourself?"

It was definitely Cullen's voice, this was typical of you. He comes to the training camp, and you fuck up, and now look more like an abomination than human. This is not how you wanted him to see you, this was just your luck, what would he think of you?

"It's nothing" you strained, your voice hoarse.

"Winters told me you were in contact with Lyruim ore, how or why would you do that?" He exclaimed.

"I wasn't thinking"

"That's the kind of carelessness you can't afford upon the battlefield, you will have comrades relying upon you, you have to think of these things. The only reason they haven't kicked you out is because of your father, he and winters served together"

"Oh makers breath, I told him my fathers memory was gone in my delirium" you panicked.

"Don't worry, he knows what happened to your father, he is not blind to the dangers, he thinks of you like you were his own daughter, you are very lucky"

"Lucky?" You grimace, as a wave of nausea washes over you, forcing you to lie back down.

"Yes lucky winters is giving you another chance, and lucky there will be no permanent damage. I hate worrying, don't force me to again"

"You were worried about me?" You reflect tactlessly, hoping being laid out will let you get away with such lack of social graces.

"Yes I was worried about you, you know I came here to see you" he hastened to add in hushed tones.

You had hoped, but you hadn't genuinely thought he would be here for you, you would smile if it didn't hurt to. This isn't how you wanted your time together to go, but at the very least he had told you he was here for you.

Your breath must be vile given the disgusting remnants of sick still in your mouth. You ask one of the sisters for water, the cool liquid soothes your dry throat, and mouth. You gargle with it, but are forced to swallow it in lieu of a place to spit it out, your afraid to seem disrespectful to the sisters.

"Commander Cullen, she needs her rest, as when her strength returns she will be out to the real test"

Cullen nods, you panic thinking you barely saw him, and you looked a wreck. 

As if reading you mind he calls over "I am staying for a few days to help winters, so I will see you tomorrow"

You relax a little, thinking maybe you can make up for lost time. And to make it up to winters, who is evidently not ice cold, but a good man with a tough reputation.


	4. The day has finally come

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day of your Lyruim trials, will you like your father not suffer, or will things continue to be difficult for you?

You couldn't of asked for better company at your bedside, as Cullen was endearingly sweet, even more so when it was just the two of you. He blushed when you smiled at him, and you felt nervous when his dazzling smile crossed his lips. He was still not best pleased with you given your foolish behavior, but he was more intent on preparing you for what the trial would really be like, few got such honest insight, you were grateful, and weary by all he revealed. You were honored that he confided in you with such a frank honesty, you were surprised also to find that Winters also willing to do the same.

You had never misjudged someone so poorly as Winters, as he was very earnest, and caring with you, and Cullen told you of how he did all he could in your fathers stead to protect you. It was strange yet comforting to think someone had been watching over you, but it also pained you to recall how you had had to struggle to tend to your father, you could have done with this support being something concrete you could have leant upon. When you found yourself drifting into your more painful memories, the pain must have been evident, as the sisters would always come and sit with you, they were a great help to you.

You found as the days passed the heaviness weighing upon you dissipated, and the paranoia lost its severe edge, your emotions once again within your own control. You were awaiting the sisters to clear you for your trial later that day, they checked your state of mind, and reflexes, all was in order it seemed, you were ready.

Cullen had stayed an extra week to remain at your side, you felt shocked by him being so attentive, and willing to aid you in your time of need. You were used to being alone, to discover you were not was frightening, as the hand to which you were now holding could be taken away from you at any moment, and it made you fear to reach out, but once in his company you could not hide, nor hold back.

Cullen walked into the chantry in full Templar attire, he looked very dashing, and you could not help but tell him so.

"You look handsome commander" you felt you may have over stepped with such a bold statement.

He just smiled, shaking his head "Your mind needs to be focused upon your faith"

This was one thing you kept to yourself, you were not sure if you had any, so many ill's had befallen you that you were not sure if you considered them tests, or cruelty. You just gave a tight smile in response.

"It is ok to be nervous" Cullen stated softly.

It would be easier if that was all it was, so you managed a more genuine smile for him, and the matter was closed to your relief. You exited the chantry aside Cullen, Winters also looking smart in his Templar armor, he greeted you in a formal manner, you had become accustomed to him being informal, but you knew things had to return to as they were, no special treatment, you were but another recruit.

Cullen remained outside, as this was your moment, to become a Templar. The room was dimly lit, and the furniture sparse, only table, with a lone chair before it, this room was only meant for a short stay. You could see the box emblazoned with a Templar symbol now carrying your philter, you felt a wave a nerves, and pride upon seeing it. You had thought you would never get this far, you took a few calming breaths. You almost jumped when winters squeezed your shoulder before leaving you whispering "Should you need us we will be upon the other side of this door, the sisters will keep watch over you to assure your safety"

I had barely seen the two women sitting in a corner of the room, they looked tired, but managed to remain in high spirits, or maybe that was for your benefit, to put you at ease. You rather hoped their smiles meant it would be over before you knew it, and you like your father before you would not suffer side effects or pain so early in the process.

You took your seat, the wood was hard against your back, but this was not for your comfort, merely a place in which to administer the first dose of lyrium. You opened your philter, and stared at it for some time, you worried that you were taking longer than most when you caught the sisters staring at you, but your nervous began as you realized they were sitting ready to be called into action.

You had to steady your hand before you took hold of the philter, you managed to put in the lyrium without spilling a drop. You took a deep breath, administering the lyrium, it took to your bloodstream quicker than you had imagined, the philter slipped from your claw like grip, your muscles began to seize, the fire tore through you like your blood was oil, it burned white hot, the pain seemed never ending. As you keeled over, hitting the ground with a painful thud, the room blurred, you took your shaking hands to your face, you were unsure if your senses were playing tricks upon you, as when you drew your hands back, your hands looked bloody. You began to panic, this was not normal, no one in your family, nor Cullen or winters had mentioned the pain continuing with such intensity, nor bleeding, you had obviously failed, you hoped as your mind raced that you would die just to avoid the shame.

You cried out until your throat was raw, your consciousness was fading fast as the pain grew in intensity, your body could take no more, the last thing you heard was one of the sisters panicked cries "come quick something is wrong, she is dying"


	5. Near death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are near death, and discover something of yourself you never knew

You awoke dazed, your eyes blurred by auras of light, you thought for a moment that you had passed on. The voices distant, and muffled called to you, you could not respond as you wished. As your panic grew, your chest tightened, your breathing labored. That was the only clear sound, your strained breath, it seemed to echo. It overwhelmed your senses, but soothed you, if you had still breath in your body, you were surely alive. 

You remained sitting bolt upright, Still and rigid for hours, you could not feel the strain in your spine, nor your muscles. You heard a muffled voice caution "this is going to hurt"

It was as if you came crashing back down to earth, and the pain was real, you dropped back, your muscles spasmed leading to greater pain. You cried out until your voice was hoarse, now you merely whimpered in agony, as it was all you could manage. Your head felt cloudy, and so light that it brought forth waves of nausea. You unceremoniously began to throw up everything, even when nothing remained your stomach turned, and you wretched. You watched the blur of the poor sisters scrambling to clean up the sick now covering the chantry place of healing, you would have apologized had you the strength, or the voice. You drifted in and out of consciousness, your senses had begun to return, you strained to hear a conversation concerning you.

"The maker obviously does not wish this child be a Templar" a woman's voice stated.

"This should not have happened, this only happens to mages, she is no Mage is she?" Cullen posed, you could make out his dulcet tones, you would recognize that voice anywhere. But his words concerned you, you had only ever wanted to be a Templar, it couldn't be over for you, your mind raced.

"No, no magical ability, and only one Mage in the family"

"One is enough winters, all she need have is the gene, it may never become active, but it will react to Lyruim"

"One uncle, really? There must be another explanation surely" winters pressed.

"You tell me when you find one" Cullen muttered, sounding angry.

This whole argument concerned you both literally, and figuratively. Tears coursed over your nose, burning your sensitive eyes, but it helped clear your vision, enough to see his face, he looked horrified by thought. You didn't quite understand why this offended you, as the thought frightened you as well. You would be the outcast, a Mage among scores of Templar's, you felt you had failed. It petrified you to think you might lose that future you had been building toward, and now you could lose Cullen to. You wanted to sob, but your body was to exhausted to move, so you drifted into the darkness.

You jolted awake after what felt like falling, you could only see it was dark, and that all the candles were burned down. You heard a movement near you, a hand took to your mouth, a set of wild eyes locked upon yours "I can help you" he hissed. "When you can walk, seek me out at bounds of the training camp, I am always there before midnight"

And with that like a specter he vanished, you wondered if you dreamed it, but the warmth that remained about your mouth told you otherwise. You were glad he had not killed you, and now you were curious as to what kind of help he was offering, and why you? You were still not strong enough to move, but you had all the time in the world to think, it was a dangerous place, your own thoughts enemies.

You were comforted to once again hear Cullen's voice, he hadn't abandoned you as you feared. You felt his hand take to yours, his fingers laced with yours. This simple act not only warmed your hand, but your heart, you may not lose everything dear to you, both those long fought, and newly acquired. You found a warm sleep take you, as restful as you could have in such a state, you were closer to life than death now. 

You woke to find his hand gone, you sighed heavily, disappointed, the cold seeping in without it. You closed your palm, and slowly pulled up, dizzy you held still until it passed. Pulling up to your feet, your legs shaking, you slowly moved forth, step by step, as though you had never walked before and these your first steps.

Once outside, the cold stiffening your muscles, you staggered forward, looking around for a familiar face, someone to confide in, someone to tell you that it was going to be ok. You found only more darkness, you didn't get far before you began to falter, dropping to your knees, the pain rushing through you faded as a pale green light seemed to bathe you. You looked down to see it was emanating from your hands. Your eyes widened, it was true you were a Mage, how could this be possible you wondered, surely it would have manifested before now, your life as you knew it was now over, you would never be a Templar. In your panic you began to wonder if you could hide this, in your desperation you cast your mind to the offer from the crazed man. You decided that you would cure your pain, with distasteful means, then find out how you could be saved from this curse.

You walked back under your own power, and took back to your bed, hoping a nights rest would bring answers. Before you drifted back off, the door opened, commander Cullen walked in, holding a torch burning fiercely, pushing back the shadows, he placed it in a holder.

"You look so much better, such a swift recovery is wonderful, yet strange" his eyebrow arched inquisitively. 

"Strange? How so?" You ask before thinking, wincing after the words left your lips. You knew why, but you could not, and would not say.

He takes to your side, his closeness unexpected, making you nervous. You wondered how late it was for Cullen to be visiting, you turned to him, not realizing how close you were, your noses grazing. The spark between you held you both in an intense stare, his sudden taking of your lips into a delightful passion, he leant into you, pressing you down to your bed, the pleasure of his lips teasing yours, his hands pressed to the sides of your face, holding to you as if he feared to let you go.

He broke the kiss, pressing his forehead to yours whispering "Don't scare me like that again"

Kissing you softly one last time, and a apologizing for being so forward, made you smile. He slipped away not wishing to push you further, or to overstep as he put it, but he also looked conflicted. You wanted him to stay but you feared your magic to be revealed, you had barely processed it yourself, you feared his reaction most of all, you were not ready.


	6. Visitors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have visitors, and this only leads to more problems

Awaking to the soft warm rays of the sun, you looked around the chantry, thankful to see you were alone, you were about to contemplate yesterdays events, the good and the bad. When one of the sisters walked in and announced "You have visitors"  
When the door opened to reveal your brother and sister, you forced a smile, they were the last two people you wanted to see, as you were now the failure of the family. The first to fail the trial, not the kind of firsts one wishes to be synonymous with. They walked over to your bed side "We are glad to see your healing well, we did not half get a fright upon the message stating you were near death"

The sentiment was sincere, as was the warm embrace that followed. But you knew how this would go, an argument would ensue, usually at the mention of father, so you tried to remain tight lipped. Your brother as you expected was the first one to rub salt into the fresh wound "So you couldn't handle the Lyruim trial, what would father say his little precious girl wont be doing great things after all" he taunted with a cruel grin upon his face.  
"Brother" Your sister hissed "She was near death, show some humanity for once would you"

She was being more protective of you than usual, they would usually gang up upon you, but it seems they cared in their own way, it saddened you to know that it had taken you nearly dying to make them realize. Your brother looked to a mild look of shame in his eyes "I am sorry, it is not the time for such things, you know me poor timing. I am glad to see you on the mend"

"Thank you" you barely managed, as this was unprecedented.

Things remained civil for a time, but as you expected things began to turn sour, when once again father was mentioned. You had all been fighting for his affection for your entire lives, your father had unintentionally made you the target of their bitterness by playing favorites. Father had always spent more time with you, this was not something you had control over, you had the look of your mother, he clung tightly to her memory, so he clung tighter to you. Your siblings also blamed you for your mothers death, as she died giving birth to you, you had bore a shame for it, it still lingered, as did their resentment. Thankfully your father had never blamed you, he told you everyday he loved you, and always took your side in disagreements, which didn't help your relationship with your siblings, but with him it did, he was your protector.

Your siblings had been more than happy to pass the care of father to you when his mind began to falter, the Lyruim soon took all he was, and you alone were forced to witness it, no aid from them, they effectively abandoned you. This abandonment had been what had festered a rage toward them, it broke you to witness him fade more, and more each day, and you had never told anyone that on some level you blamed the Templar's, and hated them on a level you never even admitted to yourself. Putting him in someone else's care had been a difficult decision for you, and a painful moment when you said goodbye. You had been working to become a Templar to make him proud, even though he would never know it.   
And now you were no longer a Templar, you were a mage, your brother, and sister were at each others throats, soon casting their eye to you. 

"Be thankfull dad cant recall a thing, his princess wont be a great Templar after all" he spat with venom, echoing his earlier statement.

"The Lyruim's making you aggressive, be weary of its side effects" you cautioned.

"What would you know you couldn't handle one single dose, all of us managed with out a problem" he scoffed.

Your sister had fallen silent, allowing him to lay in to you, lay all his problems at your door. You could feel yourself getting angry, the more he pushed, your blood began to boil. You meant to just throw your hands up in frustration, flames emanated from your palm, shocking both you, and your brother, they missed him by mere inches. His eyes wide, he was shaken by it, his rage faded from his eyes, he backed to the wall, staring at you like you were something to be feared. You to were afraid, you had not intended to hurt him, you were just so angry and these powers were so new to you, you didn't know the triggers, or have any control over them. Your sisters mouth was agape, the silence put you so ill at ease that you cried "Someone say something"

Your voice echoed into the void of silence that swallowed you all, leaving you to imagine the worse case scenarios, of them handing you in to the Templar guard. You wanted to run, but everything felt alike a nightmare, all slowed, and you were rooted with fear to the spot. You grew more desperate, and panicked as the silence, and glares continued. Your face a flame, your tears tracking your cheeks, you pleaded with your eyes, to both siblings to say something.

"That's why you failed, your a mage, you are the very thing we fight against" she sounded saddened by the fact.

"We have to report her" your brother finally chimed in.

The sense of panic within you rising, the long they looked at you as a threat. You had not wanted to be a mage, you were born as one. 

Your sister remaining the voice of reason in this chaotic moment "No, we shall let her turn herself in, and leave her to realize what needs to be done"

"But" your brother tried to contradict her, but she would not allow him a word. 

"No, no matter the state of our relationship I will not give her a death sentence, they will think her a spy, we will let her do what she may"

She looked as if she wanted to hug you, but she feared to approach you, this brought tears to your eyes, but you felt unable to move. You watched them leave, and heard your sister and brother whisper what felt like a final goodbye to you. As the door closed, they were gone from your life, even though you had never been close it still pained you to see them go, and under such circumstances. Your sisters last act of sisterly love was to not report you, allowing you time to make up your own mind. Too many things now rushed around your head, and in your desperation, you found yourself deciding that when darkness fell you would make your way to the edge of the compound to meet that wild eyed stranger, maybe he had a sliver of hope for you, as once again you felt as though everything was slipping away. Leaving you alone in that void of silence once again, a place were your fears only grew, you had no one to talk to, effectively surrounded by your enemy, only one person had offered you aid, and you would find out in what form it took.


	7. The cure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You feel you may have found the cure to your problems

You waited until the cover of darkness, feigning sleep when any of the sisters walked by your bed. Soon they too began too thin in their ranks; one sister would check in every hour, you had been timing it. You felt so edge as you pulled up, this felt wrong as it required you sneaking off, but you hoped you would be back in time before they discovered you missing.

You slipped quietly out of the chantry, any noise fraying your raw nerves. You finally managed on your pure adrenaline to escape to the bounds of the camp, to see the wild eyed man standing tall, looking very different to how he had when he almost frightened the life out of you, the only thing that distinguished him from the other Templar captains you knew was a strange red glow emanating from him, you had not seen this before, both curious and afraid, you walked over to him, and coughed.

He turned suddenly, holding to the hilt of his sword, he relaxed when he saw it was you, smiling widely, he was a very striking man, a hint of grey in his stubble, his chiseled cheekbones made you stare. He ran his fingers through his dark hair, his green eyes misted with the same red glow. You found voice now comforting and smooth as he asked you to follow on, he had a strange calming influence upon the storm raging within you. So you wanted to follow that peaceful feeling, with no idea as to where he led you, other than it would help. He halted you at the mouth of cave, warning you in a very serious manner “This could help you, but it could also kill you” his grave expression told you he wanted you to consider this.

“I am as good as dead if discovered, so I don’t have many options” you stated in a wistful manner.

“Do not rush into this, take your time. I will wait with you as long as you need” He assured you, you were confused, as your sister, and brother had looked frightened of you, he looked calm, and his manner accepting.

“I am ready” you stated sounding so assured, a confidence you didn’t know you had surfaced, still with no idea what you were walking toward.

But soon the sense of calm became intoxicating, the fear, the panic all faded. You followed him down a tunnel; a bright red glow emanated from around the next corner, as you drew closer, the warmth soothed you. You saw a beautiful red crystal before you, it towered over you as you drew closer, the red haze surrounded you. The moments of calm, and peace were overcome with a strange pressure in your chest, you couldn’t breathe, and you heaved, gasping for breath. He ran to your side, taking your hand and whispering “Remain calm, you can breathe, and the pressure will ease, this is normal. It works like an anti-magic, it should cure you of the magic within you, allowing your Templar blood to take over, muting, or destroying the magical gene within you after repeated exposure, you will not have to fear being uncovered, you will be safe”

You leant upon him for support, he remained with you until the pain faded, and the peace returned. You were confused, shouldn’t this have killed you, but instead it reacted differently to your mage dna, it blocked it. You found you could not get emotional enough to cast spells, you were pleased thinking your problem was truly solved. But you had underestimated your stay, you had been gone so long that the light now blinded you as you left the cave, you shielded your eyes. Turning back to the man who against all odds saved your life “Thank you” you continued.

“It is a Templar's job to aid those in need, however I will ask you not to reveal the location of this cave to anyone, that includes your Templar friends. This recruitment was offered to yourself only” he cautioned.

You nodded, feeling honored, you would have been weary of the need for secrecy, but you were still feeling the calm, so you dismissed it, and wondered back to find the sisters frantic. You were so level headed when talking to them, that it felt good but strange. You couldn’t feel the fear, or the usual guilt that would surface, you decided this was a good thing.

The sisters didn’t look pleased by your lack of remorse, but you just calmly thanked them for their care, and told them you would be returning to your training. As you walked away from the sisters, you felt nothing. Even bumping into Cullen brought forth no emotional response; you just smiled, and acknowledged him. You felt confident, and powerful, you pulled him into an embrace “I can’t breath” he gasped.

You didn’t realize your own strength, loosening your grip to barely holding to him. You pressed your lips to his ear, asking if he would like to join you in your favorite spot in the forest, talk like you used to, but that was the last thing upon your mind. You smiled wickedly, watching Cullen blush, before he responded “Well I will see if I can slip away later, I am glad you’re back on your feet”

He smiled, his eye contact evasive, he turned and began to walk away. He turned casting back a glance to you, showing that he would indeed be finding a way to slip away later”

You wanted to be excited, but you felt nothing. You thought this strange, as you had always been so in touch with your emotions, but now you felt disconnected from the majority of them. Only feeling a serenity, as you walked toward that peaceful place, knowing that you finally taking that step forward that you had fantasied about after hearing him all that time ago crying out your name. You disappeared into the wood, as the sun began to fade; you found your sense of peace began to ebb away slowly. Your panic returned in full force, now your hands were alight with green flame, Cullen couldn’t find you like this, so you tore off toward the cave, praying Cullen didn’t see you leave. You hoped he wouldn’t be too hurt by your absence. You almost stopped and turned back, but the green light became blinding, your fear gripped you, taking you into the depths of the earth once more, no questions, no rational thought, just the panic, and need for this to stop. 

You took your arms around the red crystal, basking in the warm glow, the calm returning with time, and the longer you remained close to the red crystal, the better you felt. When the shaking finally passed, you found the strength to take to your feet. To find the fields covered by your fellow Templar's, you snuck into a group, and asked “What’s going on?”

They jumped, not having seen you coming. “It appears there is a mage near by the encampment, Cullen saw the green veil fire alight surrounding a human form this afternoon, the trail seems to have run cold, as the magic seems to have dissipated, I didn’t know that was possible”  
You just calmly nodded, knowing that once the effects of the red crystal faded, you would feel more trapped, and afraid of your fellow Templar's. Alone among those wanting to hunt you down, you knew you only had one option, there had to be a way for the effects to last longer without having to remain next to the crystal for so long. The time it took this time was longer, and soon you would be discovered, and your pledge of confidence to your savior would be a lie. Then you would have made another enemy, and a powerful one at that, you knew you should be afraid but you just couldn’t feel it.


	8. Confessions good for the soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lost in your addiction, things go wrong. The truth shocks more than you

You had fallen into a full blown addiction, it was so small you didn't notice at first, you were addicted to the peace it brought you, no matter how short lived. The illusion of safety calmed your fear, your fear fed your addiction and my addiction fuelled your fear, it became a vicious circle often making you dizzy. You had managed to throw them off the sent of the Mage roaming the grounds, and you had returned to training. You were astounding your mentor at the increase in your ability, the first time that my problem became clear to those around you, was when you became increasingly insular, speaking to no one, keeping your distance, you may have felt powerful, but you only trusted one man. The man who had saved you from certain death at the hands of brainwashed Templars. You had after all been taught to fear mages, so in turn you feared myself and all you could do, what you would become, you didn't want that, so you chose this cure.

You became more powerful as you used more red lyruim, ingesting it, and returning to the vein whenever possible. You were becoming less like yourself, and more inhuman, but you couldn't see this, you only saw how well you were doing. During a training exercise you had fractured a fellow Templars cheek, and broke their leg in several places, you no longer knew your own strength. You wouldn't apologise, telling them only that they would have to get used to pain, battle fields were not for the faint of heart.

You were taken aside, lectured and told to leave the training field, you were incensed, and now convinced there was some plot forming against you. Your touch with reality faded, you only took orders from one man, he had never given his name, but he listened, and assured you he was here to help you, you believed him. He was charismatic, handsome and had a way with words, always knowing what to say to put you at ease.

The longer your addiction continued, the more suspicious both Cullen, and winters became. They never told you of their concern, as of late you would have dismissed it out right. But they were right to worry, you were spiralling out of control slowly, descending into madness. But you still felt this madness was safer than the alternative, your rational moments become less and less as time went by, there was no way to escape the addiction for you now, you were trapped in the darkness. The only light you knew or saw was the soft red glow of the crystal, and the comforting words of your saviour. 

You were feeling a bit shaky, and struggling to think straight, so you left to feed your addiction. You had become sloppy in your growing madness, you staggered across the field not even checking to see if anyone has seen you. You were only thinking of your next dose, reaching the cave your panic began to abate, your mind clearing. You took your place aside the crystal, watching the red haze envelope you, and warm you.

Your saviour was no where to be seen, you felt disappointed, you had hoped for words of comfort. You heard footsteps, you pulled up ready to great your saviour, only to see it was commander Cullen.

"What in andrastes name is this?" He cried.

"You followed me?" You hissed accusingly.

"Yes, winters and I have been worried about you, and we were right to be. Do you know what that is?"he cried, begging you to see reason.

"It is nothing of your concern, you have to leave before my master returns"

"Master?, can you hear yourself?" He exclaimed.

"Please Cullen you can't understand this" 

"Let me try" he pulled close slowly, taking his hands to the side of your face, looking into your eyes, which were now misted red. "How long have you been taking the red lyruim?" He took his hands to your shoulders, and shook you, repeating the question insistently.

"I don't know a few days, I have lost count"

"Do you know how dangerous this is? Your lucky it hasn't killed you already" he cried angrily, his eyes boring into to you.

You couldn't feel how you should, you just stared blankly, knowing once your saviour returned he wouldn't be happy. You had been careless, you had revealed the crystal, and its location. Cullen released your shoulders, and walked over to the crystal, he braced, he had a shield in hand, you hadn't noticed it. And with a solid crash he shattered your hope, the light, and warmth faded, you cried out. Grasping at the shattered cold pieces in your hands, on your knees, you wanted to cry but the pain wouldn't come. The pain would come to you later, you turned to Cullen looking up at him "why?" 

"Do you know what this is? It's dangerous, and will drive you to madness, do you hear me?"

He didn't wait for you to answer, he continued "why would you do this?, who and what brought you here?"

Your saviour was creeping up, and instead of remaining silent you found yourself whispering "he is behind you"

Cullen turned looking at him with a look of familiarity "you, you did this to her" he yelled viciously. You didn't think Cullen had such rage to him, you want to be shocked, but you were still, and just watching him rage.

"Yes your little Mage has been a useful experiment, she has handled the lyruim better than most Templars. My master will be pleased to know what I have discovered"

"You tested red lyruim on her, you sick bastard, she is no Mage, no lab rat, she is human"

He laughed mockingly "I found her, but she came to me for a cure, she is only a Mage, why do you care? They are the enemy after all"

He paused, turning back to him his eyes dark "No" he declared.

"I will continue these experiments, we need to know more, we will know more, this is not over, trust me"

"Yes it is" Cullen swiftly ran him through, he gasped.

This man was no saviour, he was using you as an experiment, how he found you was beyond you, but as he gasped his last breath, you felt nothing. Cullen swiftly turned to you, he didn't ask a single question, he ran you out of the cave, evading any Templars, leading you away from the camp. You travelled on horseback for a time, as the time passed as did your calm facade. You began to feel the fear creeping in, you whimpered as you saw your home coming into view.

You had failed your father, he was the last person you wanted to see. Cullen lead you in, he said nothing. As you took a seat beside your father, and watched as the woman who was paid to be his aide run round, your father barely aware of your presence.

You felt broken in that moment, Cullen left without a word, and your father, and you both had fallen pray to lyruim. Part of you was glad he would never know your shame, as you sobbed uncontrollably, your hands lit up, you tried to hide them in a reflex. You flinched when your father took your hand, and in a moment of rare clarity he said "I knew it would be you, you have her look, and her gift"

He said nothing else, but he held firm to your hand. Your eyes wide, you had so many questions but you knew overloading him would only confuse, and upset him. Your mother was a Mage, you wondered why he kept it secret, you had so many unanswered questions rushing around your head. You drifted off into a restless sleep, holding to your fathers hand.


	9. Escaping addiction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are fighting to escape your red lyrium addiction

Giving up red lyrium had almost killed you, the pain unbearable, the confusion and fear would have consumed you had you been alone. One of the worst moments for you had been when your father had a moment of clarity, he had heard you screaming, he came down to find you in the grips of madness as the lack of lyrium sent you body into shock, you felt as though your mind shattered. You hadn't wanted him to see you like this, but the pain and confusion was too much, you did not have the strength, or capacity to push him away. He took you into his arms, and held you until you calmed a little, you felt his tears wet the side of your face, this only added to your pain, but in that moment the roles were as they should be, he was the parent, and you the child.

He whispered in a broken emotional voice "I never wanted this to happen to any of you, what have I done?"

This lead you to recall the days of you caring for him, you knew he hadn't asked for any of this, but you had blamed him at times as it was hard, but after all he had done for you, you felt you owed him his dignity. So you held off until you had to leave for your Templar training, until then your fathers state was known to none. The woman you had hired to care for him was well known for her discretion, this is what kept her employed, and in demand. 

That seemed like an age ago, the weeks since leaving the training ground had seemed drawn out by the pain, and blur of delusions and muddled thoughts. But know you were finding a sense of routine slowly, at times you still barely held it together. Returning to the routine of being at home was not so easy, as at times all you wanted was the lyrium, you would begin to shake, and feel on the edge of knife. The only thing holding you together for the most part was having to look after your father, but his assistant often noticed your struggles, and helped you as well, you were more than thankful. Although proud, you knew you needed all the help you could get..

Your only visitor was winters, he was worried about you. You found talking with him made you feel less on edge, and less alone. He was more than understanding, and able to answer your questions.

You didn't even attempt small talk upon his last visit, you just wanted to know all you could about your mother "My mother was a Mage, why did my father never tell us?"

"He couldn't risk revealing your mother to his fellow Templar's, as some were for killing all mages"

"Why did he remain a Templar?" You cried frustrated by his choices.

"A few bad Templar's don't make the order bad, just like a few bad mages do not make all mages dangerous. You father knew that, he was level headed, and he knew you would be the one to follow in her footsteps. I can make sure you receive training from other mages, become what you were meant to be"

"But I have only known the Templar way, I do not know how to start again" Your voice cracking as you spoke, as it had been a strain to imagine a new life. And coming off the Lyrium had been the worst part, finding new ways to find that semblance sense of peace that the lyrium gave you.

Winters turned to you taking your hand "I know you have many questions, and I will do my best to answer them for you, but I have to return to the training camp"

He apologized, making his goodbyes. You wondered how life would have been had your mother have been here to teach you, to show you being a mage was not a horrific curse, but a gift, you wanted to believe that.

You watched Winters go, and were left to your dark thoughts. Your mind often took you to places you didn't know existed, the influence of the lyrium you were told. It could bring about frightening dreams, and a strange sense of paranoia, that never left you, but lessened over the weeks as it dissipated from your system. You were lucky your Templar genes and training were strong enough to survive the doses, and your mage dna had not been destroyed as the Templar testing it upon you had assumed, or hoped. It had warped your magic, at times making it stronger rather than weakening it. Giving you the ability to draw upon dark magic, without lasting effect thus far. 

The psychical effects of the dark magic, and lyruim withdrawal had taken there toll at first, but now you found it was the mental effects from the short use of red lyrium, and dark magic that were far reaching. You often felt as though you were not alone, as if demons followed you always, unsure whether it was paranoia, or actual demons considering the lyriums link to blight. You shuddered to realize that this lyrium had darkened you, and your magic. You avoided dark magic, but at times it happened without intent, you could feel your mind darken, it was temporary, but it frightened you. That voice calling you to use dark magic, that threatened to turn you in to an abomination, it was frightening. The voice was demonic in tone, other times it was like chanting in the background, you would often look around the room, but nothing would be visible, this did not necessarily mean nothing was there.

The day had been long, and your thoughts often sad, and painful. So you went to sleep early, but often sleep provided no peace, as the demons found you more easily in your sleep, frightening, and torturing you. You awoke in a cold sweat, heaving as if you had been frightened for your life, your heart hammering. You busied yourself with chores, and walks in the near by forest. The beauty of nature calmed you sometimes, the voices seemed more distant there. The calmness, and the chaos of nature seemed to make sense to you, you felt connected to the world, so you enjoyed your walks. You had just returned when a knock came at the door, you sauntered over feeling more human than you had in days.

You were happy to see Winters, you asked him how he was doing, and were a gracious host, were many times before you had been unable. But you found your mind had often turned to Cullen, and on this day he was at the fore of your mind. You hadn't seen him in weeks, you could only recall the look upon his face, of shock, and devastation, it haunted you, you wanted so much to talk to him, beg his forgiveness.

"Is Cullen ever going to forgive me?" You questioned sadly, as you wondered back in to the sitting room.

Winters looked up, thinking for a moment before he stated "Ask him yourself, he is waiting outside"

You asked if Winters could wait with your father, he nodded. "He remembered me last time, it was nice, though sadly short lived"

You sighed heavily, empathizing with pain of having to witness the light of recognition burning, then fading just as quickly. "I had forgotten how difficult it was, I am so grateful for all you have done for me, and my father. You are like a second father to me" you hoped the sentiment was well received, and not as hollow as you feared it sounded.

Winters eyes misted over "I am glad to hear you say it, I had always thought of you as if you were my own daughter. I will always be here for you"

"Without you I do not know what me, or my family would have done. You should know that it is appreciated"

Near tears, he laughed and quickly stated "Now we cant ruin your make up, your going to try and impress Cullen aren't you, so get gone"

With that you rushed out, to see him standing between two horses, holding to their reins. The look of surprise told you he had been expecting winters. You both just looked at each other, neither knowing quite what to say. The silence and strained stare became too much, Cullen shuffled nervously, willing Winters to come out.

You broke the silence "I know you must hate me, and fear me, I didn't know I was a Mage, it was a shock to me to" you whimpered.

Another long painful silence ensued, your emotion filled words just hung in the air. He broke the silence with a harsh question "I don't hate, or fear you, I just wonder why didn't you trust me?" He looked to ground after asking, avoiding your eyes.

You had rehearsed this a million times in your head, but know he was in front of you, you faltered for a moment, choking back a strangled sob.

He looked so hurt it was hard to get the words out "I panicked, I had been brought up to fear magic, and my brother and sisters fear of me only made me fear how others would react. Then that Templar offered me a solution, and as desperate as I was, I took it. Can't you see why I would fear being revealed as a Mage among a Templar training camp, surrounded by fear, and ignorance, mine included"

He seemed to take an age to say anything more, first he just sighed heavily, then continued "I understand, I still hoped you knew enough of me to confide in me. Winters and I have found you a Mage who will be willing to aid you in gaining control, I shall take you to him tomorrow if you would like"

"Thank you, I would. Will you ever forgive me? I let my fear drive me" you cried, tears streaking down your cheeks.

He released one set of reigns, and pulled you into an gentle embrace, and whispered "I will try"

That was all you needed to hear, and he was coming back, you pulled your arms tightly around his waist, burying your face in his chest. You wept silently as his second arm wrapped around you, and pulled you closer.  
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"May I ask something of you?" He asked tentatively.

"Yes" you stated as you pulled back briefly, before returning to the warmth, a calming yet fast paced beat of his heart.

"Promise me you not take a risk like that again, promise me" he insisted.

You pulled back, looking into his sad eyes, feeling a sense of guilt for putting him through such pain, forgetting your own. You simply stated "I will try" he smiled weakly before pulling you back to him. Winters and Cullen left not long after, but you knew your life would be once again changing, and it was frightening.


	10. side effects, and moving forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lyrium may have had effects you were unaware of. You move on to becoming a mage, finding out many things along the way

You had decided to research what was soon to be your home for a time, Winters had told you about a young mage called Dorian Parvus, and that his father had volunteered his aid. You found this strange, as it was going to be adversarial, especially if this was a forced arrangement, you were skeptical of this working. But Winters assured you that this would work, you trusted him, but still wondered how this Dorian would feel being given a trainee to tend to. You could only hope he could aid you in controlling your magic, and make you able to resist the darkness now plaguing you. It seemed no matter were you were something compelled you to hold to secrecy, or put you in danger. Why was your life never simple, you knew some mistakes were yours, but so much was out of your hands, it frustrated you.

You had found out so much about tevinter, none of it good, but you hoped the rumors were just that. You had hoped to rest easy before leaving home once again, spending a quite afternoon with your father, then a restful night, but your nightmares continued, so you slept as little as you manage with, but this rarely avoided the dreams. They were becoming increasingly disturbing and vivid, a demon with legions at his disposal, and he called you to his side, and you went willingly. It was then you woke, the feeling of dread, and darkness weighing heavily upon your chest, making it hard to breath. You dismissed these dreams as just the workings of the red lyrium, and nothing more.

Up early, you readied yourself to meet your tutor, trying to focus on what Dorian would be like, instead of your demon master, and his words to you. But you found his words echoed, and began to darken your mind, you had to get out.

You took to the forest, it calmed you as you focused only upon the sounds of the birds, and light breeze upon your face. You then heard a sound behind you, you turned to see a demon standing before you, you wiped at your eyes assuming and hoping it was a delusion. But it remained, staring at you, it did not attack, it did not speak, it just looked upon you with cold lifeless eyes. It dissipated into the ether, you had been afraid, not of the demon but yourself, as in that moment it did not strike was a light of recognition, it saw you as one of its own, brethren. You escaped the forest, running until you were breathless and home, you slammed the door shut. And prayed to andraste for it to not return, and for these feelings to leave you, what had the red lyrium done to you? You feared more than you realized.

As waited for Winters, and Cullen you felt on edge, dare you tell them, you had let fear rule you once, would you do so again?

You were now on tender hooks. You only saw one horse, Cullen had decided not to come, you sighed. But soon realized as the horse and rider came into view, it was Cullen, not Winters, and without a second horse you would have to hold on to him. This only put you more on edge, but took your mind away from your other fears, it was a perfect distraction. You felt the same butterflies you had upon your first kiss. The feelings were good and bad, either way you were glad to feel. He pulled up, looking to you "Nervous?" he smiled.

It was obvious then, you had hoped it wasn't visible. "Yes, very" you answered honestly"

"Don't worry, your tutor will be there to guide you through, as will I"

You felt happy, and confused "will the Templar's not find it strange to be aiding a mage?"

"I don't intend to tell them, and I think helping you gain control of your magic is part of the role of Templar" he smiled sweetly. You hoped this control would be the solution, to escape the demons real or illusion from following your waking and restful footsteps. You realized you were distracted, so you forced your focus to the here and now, to see Cullen smiling at you.

Your heart leapt upon seeing Cullen smile once again, he held his hand out for you, helping you up, pulling your arms around him. So close you could feel his body heat, you were glad he seemed to take his time getting you to your location. You clung tightly to him, feeling safe, and comforted, away from the demons.

He dismounted once you reached the gates of tevinter magisterium, helping you down. Instead of releasing you, his arms remained upon your sides, his eyes intensely staring into yours, you were about to say something when he kissed you swiftly, as if he would lose his nerve should he wait much longer. The kiss was delicate, and sweet, his lips barely meeting yours at first, but soon the kiss was sealed as if your lips belonged together. All gentlemanly presence fading as his passion took over, he pulled you to him, your bodies pressed together. He hungrily kissed your lips, you feel alive with the pleasure of it, his desire was thrilling, you had thought he was lost to you, to find his want of you not damped but more intense was a relief, and a delicious discovery.

He broke the kiss "sorry" he breathed. "I got a little carried away, but that was amazing" he added shyly.

"Don't be sorry, that was amazing" you stated still a little breathless.

His cheeks reddened as he said "I will be back as often as time allows" he smiled widely.

He mounted his horse, and wished you luck before he disappeared. You watched him in a dreamy fashion, until the horizon took him from you. You sighed happily, thankful that Cullen was such a good man, bashful and forgiving, you felt so lucky.

You turned to the tall gates of the imperium, they loomed over you, and the silence was now ominous, and eerie. You pushed open the gate, to be greeted by a suspicious guard in full armour "State your business?" he demanded.

"The house parvus has accepted me as a trainee, they are to.."he cut you off swiftly.

"That is all I need to know, this way" he stated curtly.

You walked in a strained silence, annoyed by the guards ill manner. He stopped you before a mansion, it was vast and garish in fashion.

The man who answered the door smiled "Ah I am glad to see you my dear, you will find magic indeed is a gift, and my son will be more than able to guide you"

His strong accent made his words flow. His Mage robes flowing to the ground, very expensive material indeed. When he smiled the lines upon his face deepened, and the grey trace in his showed his advanced years, so this was the father you assumed. His eyes had darkened for a moment upon mentioning his son, you wondered what lay behind that, but we're not given time to find out, as he called you to follow him.

He lead you up a huge set of winding stairs, then knocked upon a door at the end of a long corridor on the top level. An annoyed younger well dressed man answered, his hair, and facial hair was trimmed to perfection, not a hair out of place. His father introduced you, then left you to get acquainted. The moment you were alone Dorian glared at you "Another one of my fathers plots to change me, throw a striking young female mage at me to win me over" he hissed, his stare accusing.

"I have no idea what you are talking about" you cried defensively, feeling confused by his sudden rage directed at you.

"This isn't a scheme of my fathers then?" his harsh expression softening.

"No" You stated with no among of certainly, with still no idea as to what was going on, but you weren't in on it.

"I do apologize then, my fathers thrown so many poor women at me in the hopes I will be more what he deems normal" he grumbled.

"Normal?" you echoed.

"Yes, I have revealed a little to much in my frustration. But I guess I should tell you, I prefer the company of men, so its not personal"

"What's not personal?"

"That you don't stand a chance with me"

You laughed at his conceited statement "You think highly of yourself don't you"

"Well how could I not, look at me" he demanded.

You smiled "Oh yes now I see"

"I knew you had good taste, do you not think me strange?" he seemed quite shocked.

"Not at all, should I?" you asked a lingering confusion still with you.

"Well most are not so accepting, my family don't care to hear it" he stressed, a sadness in his eyes.

In an effort to cheer him up, you told him part of your story "I am the strange one, brought up a Templar, taught to fear mages, only to find out I am one. To then start courting a Templar" you laughed realizing how absurd it sounded, and had you not lived it you would have thought it an embellished story.

His smile turned wicked "I think I am going to enjoy having you around my dear"


	11. Mentor Pavus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dorian takes you out to learn how to control your magic

Dorian surprised you with his patience, he took you under his wing. It was your first day of training, and you couldn't even conjure a simple fire ball. You felt embarrassed, and frustrated "don't worry we will get it, we can't all be perfect like me" he smiled widely.

His ego, and charm would normally be an annoying trait, but Dorian some how made them amusing, and endearing. He was helping you try and find your center, he took your hands, asking you to close your eyes, soon his smooth voice faded into a deep raspy voice, no longer calling you to peace, but war "Come to me child, we shall remake this world, they will never accept you, or your friend here, they do not deserve life" he hissed.

Your eyes flashed open, your demon master, had his clawed hands around yours. You didn't want to react, but you dragged your hands free, recoiling. And when you looked back the precipice was gone, and the war torn city's were no longer aflame around you. You were alone in tevinter with a now confused, and mildly offended Dorian before you.

You wondered if you should tell him, but you realized that was a one way ticket to tranquility, or worse, so you held your tongue, and your heavy secret.

You looked to Dorian, whose arms were now crossed tightly, he was awaiting an explanation. "I am sorry Dorian, I guess I don't have a calm place as yet, this magic thing still frightens me"

He unfolded his arms his eyes softening, he sighed placing his hand over yours "I forget you spent so much time among Templar's learning the dangers of magic, would it help to learn the good magic can do?" He posed.

"It couldn't hurt" you responded, smiling weakly. Feeling guilty, you felt you didn't deserve Dorian's kindness, and you hid the truth from him, you felt history repeating itself, the fear was like a pressure upon your chest, holding back the words, and holding you back from reaching out.

You hurried after Dorian, realizing in your daze you had fallen behind. "So have you seen healing, and protective magic at work?"

"No, I didn't know it existed" you felt ashamed to admit.

"Hmm yes I can't imagine they focus on that in Templar training" Dorian quipped. "Would you like to see it?"

"Yes" you stressed, hoping good magic would hold the demons at bay, the light to fight the darkness.

Dorian found an injured fox, the mana rushing through him emitting a green glow, allowing the fox to run away, upon its newly mended leg. You watched in awe, hoping that there was light within you, as you feared the shadow, feared the red glow, which had once brought you peace. Now red lyrium haunted your nightmares, the red glow consuming you until your vision was tainted, and you took to your demon masters side.

"You must focus upon that which you wish to heal, and let the intent to heal flow through you"

You looked to him your eyes glazed over, he waved his hand before your eyes "you appear to be elsewhere today, should we take a break?" He offered.

"No, I am sorry, so many walls go up to allowing the magic to run through me, I have only cast magic when in an emotional state"

"You can not let your emotions dictate your magic, that is dangerous, you must find your focus, and control the magic with your will"

"You make it sound so easy" you quipped.

"It will be in time" Dorian added tentatively.

"I hope so" you mused aloud.

"You have been through a lot my dear, I understand the fear, but you will find the courage to be who you are, as I have. The Templar you was your mask for the world, the Mage you is the real you, we have to let go of the Templar, become the Mage. Your mother was a Mage wasn't she?"

"Yes, so I have been told" you echoed sadly.

"She was a good Mage wasn't she?"

"Yes, she was, I never really knew her"

"I am sorry" he stated in earnest. "But you see what I am trying to explain, I am a good Mage, as are the majority, there are a minority of extremists, who have at times called rational men, and women to foolish action, but you need to realise mages aren't all bad, do you fear you are?"

"Yes" your voice cracked with emotion. You hadn't meant to respond so honestly, but the response just escaped before you could think better of it.

"Well that's what's blocking your magic, your fear will prevent you from using your magic in a focused way, but will lead to dangerous magic when the fear becomes too great"

Dorian pulled a small blade free, cutting his arm, deep enough to draw blood. "Heal me, I trust you" he posed.

You looked on helplessly for a moment, before taking a deep breath, sterling your nerve, you took your hand over his cut, and tried to focus upon healing the cut, allowing the magic to run through you. And to your surprise that same green glow that had healed you, now healed Dorian, the skin was clear, as if nothing had occurred. The warm glow of the healing magic, gave you a glimmer of hope, that maybe you would escape the darkness, finally be who you were meant to be.

Dorian opened his eyes and exclaimed "thank the maker, no scar"

"I thought you trusted me" you teased.

"Of course, just your so new I expected a scar, I am to pretty to be marked you see. Your more powerful than most novices, but your also older than most beginners, victories were we find them I say, that is a good start, we shall take a break, then return to start using protective shields, stick with defensive for now"

You nodded, glad to stay with the good magic, and in need of a break to clear your mind. You wondered away, not too far from Dorian as you didn't know your way around well enough as yet, you looked back toward the empire, you wondered what was so bad about it, not seeing the darkness you had read so much of, but it had only been a day, maybe it was insidious. 

You wondered back over to Dorian after a short time lost in idle thought, it has been the lightest thoughts to cross your mind in a long time. You took well to light magic, believing it to be the key to your salvation, to protect you from the demons within, and without.

You practiced until the shield you were able to create was impenetrable, it stood against all of Dorian's efforts, to which he was pleased, and annoyed.

"Well you took to the defensive and healing magic like a practiced Mage, tomorrow we shall try more offensive magic" 

He had the look of exertion upon him, sweat dripping down the sides of his face, his breathing unsteady. And yet you felt at ease, and renewed by the experience, and had not broken a sweat holding such a powerful barrier up to a barrage of magical attacks. You were feeling hopeful as you returned to Dorian's, his father was awaiting you both.

"So how does she fair?" Dorian knowing his fathers underlying concern was not for you, but what Dorian thought of you.

"Well, her healing and defensive magic, is possibly greater than your own" Dorian took joy in saying this.

His father turned to you throwing a fire ball swiftly, but your emotions took over and instead of focusing upon a shield, you held his magic at bay, like that of a Templar, suspending his spell in mid air, stepping aside before it continued its path.

"Hmm I would not say so, I think that was more of a Templar ability, than Mage, but strong never the less. I am sure next time you can teach her magic son" he stated curtly before wondering into another room.

Dorian looked furious, at his fathers dismissive manner, and your emotional reaction. But his rage toward you faded "I apologize my father should not have done that, it was dangerous to us all, we have to work upon that emotional response, but it seems that you possess both Templar and Mage abilities, strange indeed"

You wondered were that had come from, you had not been able to suspend and hold back magic before. How was it possible to be both Templar and Mage, both were opposites, having their strengths also meant, having their weaknesses, so you were vulnerable to addictions, and possession, while being vulnerable to becoming an abomination.

Such power should have made you feel safer, but it only made you worry you were more vulnerable to corruption, and this power would be seen as an asset, so this demon whoever he was would find a way to use it. You could only hope your defensive magic would be strong enough to hold him at bay. You took to your room, now feeling the exhaustion of the day wearing upon you, you dropped to your bed, praying to andraste that the nightmares would not come this night.


	12. Dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your dreams become more vivid and disturbing

Your dreams had been becoming increasingly vivid, you were walking in a dimly lit world, a world you feared but knew very well. He was calling to you, his voice was distant, the eerie green light showing you the only path forward, was also a haze to the sides of the path. You were tempted to the side to escape his voice, you stretched out a foot, the haze faded revealing a huge drop, you pulled back in panic. You looked over the edge to see the jagged rocks below, they were etched into points, as if sculpted into deadly blades. The ground threatened to break you, as did the voice calling to you, you knew he was only calling to you, to serve his purpose whatever that was. You had tried many times to stay where you stood but something always forced you to move. You had wanted to jump, but the fear was paralysing. So forward always became the only option for you, you slowly followed the precarious path to its end. Stepping to safer ground, now his voice was clearer, calling to you.

"I can protect you from what is to come, give you the power to stand against it" his voiced hissed like a snake in your ear.

You kept moving, all the while knowing it was not leading you out, but straight into his waiting claws. This place was strange, like an alien world, all resistance met with force, or taunts. It was exhausting to walk here, and each time you resisted the weariness grew, you felt yourself drifting, strength all but gone, defenceless in body and mind. So now you chose to go willingly, with strength, and a sound mind, hoping that when he spoke to your strong rational mind it wouldn't feel as though his claws tore at your mind, turning you to his will.

The path was long, but you took your time so you were able to catch your breath, the air itself felt tainted, breathing in this place was like taking in foul diseased air. The smell was that of death, and the closer you got to him, the more thick the air with the rot, and iron of the blood of innocence. You would find him waiting for you, his twisted grin gave you a sinking feeling, his darkened eyes upon you made your skin crawl. His dark intent was clear, he needed you for something, he craved for his freedom, and wanted you to be the one to give it to him. You stood before him, looking up wondering with a clear mind if he had once been a man, as this darkness may have been great but there was a fragment of what had been, you wondered if you could teach for it. As you stretched out your hand he seized it, wrapping his clawed fingers tight around your wrist, scrapping at the skin "Do not waste my time trying to cling to that small fragment of humanity, it will only weaken you, make you open to my words. I will take your mind, bend that strong will, you will find me, and assure my return. I sense the power in you, untapped, to have such a powerful right hand will make reshaping this world of yours easy"

"Is it not your world to, just because it rejected you, or caused you pain doesn't stop it being your home"

"You are a naive fool, that world is a cruel place, it will show its true face to you soon enough, your friend, and lover will turn upon you, seek to destroy you. Then you will beg, you will call for my aid, and I will not let you down, I will save you, then all I ask is that you save me in turn" his voice sounding smooth and inviting, his words like honey in your ears, that promise made you feel safe.

You pulled free of his grasp, realising he had managed again to draw you in, rational or not he knew your fears, and how to play upon them. His dark laughter was the last thing you heard as you jolted awake screaming, tears were dry upon your cheeks. The pain in your eyes, and chest suggested you had been crying for sometime. The rawness of your throat was a testiment to the fear he created within you, enough to force out petrified screams, that now echoed around in shadows in your room.

Dorian barged through the door, looking to you, and the terror upon your face. "What is it?"he cried.

You only managed to mumble "he is calling to me, he wants me to free him, I won't do it, I won't"

Dorian sat aside you, and pulled you in to his arms "it's over now"

He comforted you until the shaking subsided, he was about to leave you, you grabbed his arm and begged "please don't tell anyone, it was merely a nightmare"

"I will not tell anyone, but we must talk of this in the morning"

You nodded, but you knew you didn't want to talk about it, nor did you wish to sleep, it never refreshed you. You tore back the sheets, and dressed,readying yourself to take a walk, you wanted to see and assure yourself you were in the waking world. You wanted to see things that didn't frighten you, Dorian was a start but he needed his rest, and you no longer could find it when sleeping, if that's even what you were doing, maybe it was the fade that you had heard the Templars mention, you shuddered to think. You could become one of those abominations that Templars were trained to destroy, put down like a rabid dog, your heart lurched at the thought.

So you wondered downstairs, and stepped out side, the cool breeze cooled the sweat upon your furrowed brow. You began to relax the longer you walked, talking you hand the cool stone and marble, of statues, and grand buildings. The clean air, and the light smell of the planted flowers replaced the stench that had been burnt into them only moments ago, you began to feel human again. You wondered for so long, the dawn crept up upon you, the light, and warmth of the sun was comforting, and the beautiful songs of the birds in the trees soothed your frayed nerves. By the time you returned to house Parvus you felt calm, until you saw Dorian waiting for you, he uttered those fateful words "We need to talk"

As he lead you off to the side, you felt the edge return, and you dreaded where this conversation was going to lead.


	13. Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Can you learn to control your magic, and the demon who threats you?, and will Dorian believe you can?

Dorian escorted you in to the sitting room, waiting until you were seated. He looked around, and locked the door. You gulped, wondering for whose safety his action was for, to keep you in, or stop you getting out. Your mind was racing, he eased your mind a little by getting straight to the point, not holding you in suspense.

"You are being visited by demons?" he stated with concern, his eyes upon you, relieved to see wasn't fear you saw. He desired confirmation, that it was not just nightmares, but more.

You contemplated lying to Dorian, but his genuinely expression, and his friendship gave you the courage to face those very real demons. "Yes, one but I have given him nothing"

"Him?" Dorian echoed in confusion.

"Yes there is something human of him, I can see it, and sense it"

"That is unusual, but you know this is not good I am afraid, if he gets to you you could become and abomination" Dorian sighed heavily. "I do not wish to have to kill you, or make you tranquil, you are becoming a bright light for me in this place. I do not wish to lose you, but I do not know of any other way" you could see how it weighed upon him to speak of such drastic measures, he was becoming fond of you.

"Trust me, I can hold him at bay" You stressed, believing you had a willpower other mages did not.

"I do not know if any can resist the temptations they offer, they know what we want, what we desire, and fear. They will use all of it against us, they will take you from me, I am afraid for you"

"Don't be Dorian, I can do this" You stated firmly, believing that with him, and Cullen at your side you could survive this.

"I don't think you grasp the gravity of this, a demon, a very powerful one has his eye upon you. He will give you what you want, and you will return the favor. If you he doesn't possess you, you will be turned darker, all this kindness, and compassion within you will die. He will twist you into something else" he strained through his tears, the emotion choking his words.

"I take it you have this happen before, I didn't mean to upset you" You stated sadly, feeling for him as the emotion flowed freely from his pained eyes.

You went to embrace him, and he pushed you away, declaring "See that is what I am talking about, all this side of you will fade, and you will do unspeakable things in his name"

"I will do no such thing" you cried defensively.

"That's what my friend Jacob thought, but he became an abomination, and killed his family. I found them, and I found him. He was only himself for a moment, he saw the destruction he had wrought, and begged me to kill him. I do not want to care for someone if the risk is there already of losing them, that's like inviting pain in" he stated so solemnly, you felt guilty for a moment.

You sat still, considering the dark dreams, and the fears you shared with Dorian. You did not want this demon to turn you into some twisted creature, turning you on those you love like a rabid dog. The demon was like a disease, and he would hold your leash as he relied you up, until you would be frenzied. The thought frightened you, but you summoned up your courage, and held stead fast to the belief you could survive this.

"I am taking this seriously Dorian, my life, alike yours for my reasons hasn't been easy. I will fight him, and I have been for weeks. Please trust me" you begged.

Dorian however seemed less convinced, you had grown close quite quickly, you accepted him for who he was, and he accepted you. You hoped he could trust you, but you feared he would feel compelled to report you. Now that the truth was revealed, you could only wait and see what came of it. You didn't want to be tranquil, or an abomination, you want to fight this, even though you were tired of fighting. You realized you had not told Dorian of the demons warning, that he would turn upon you, as would Cullen, and that you feared most. Dorian remained still, and silent for a long time, then he began pacing, before turning to you and saying "You tell me everything, and keep me informed" Dorian stressed, his expression deathly serious.

You nodded before the tension got too intense. "Oh thank the maker I thought I was going to get wrinkles holding to this stern expression so long"

"Wrinkles would look distinguished on you, when you do get them many years from now" You smiled.

"Ah your right I could make anything look good" You just smiled shaking your head, he was assured of himself, but you loved him for it.

Dorian kept a watchful eye upon you, you excelled with your defensive and healing magic. When using healing magic you almost forgot about demons, and dark magic, and for a time you were able to protect yourself within the dreaming, the green light your guiding light to safety, holding back all manner of demons who wished to use you to gain their freedom. But when it came to the offensive magic, you feared the demonic magic would reveal your blight tainted magic, the darkness was tempting, as was the power that came along with it. The allure of a life free of restrictions, free of the pains of this world would tempt any race, Mage or no. But this kind of temptation was only offered to mages, this was a temptation only mages knew, if Templars suffered such tortures they wouldn't be so quick to judge mages.

You had the unique perspective of being both, and you could see with all the horror stories how Templar's could only know fear, and how mages would be drawn to the darkness that called to them. Mages were oppressed, and hunted, who could blame them for taking the only offer of power and safety given to them. If only Templar's could know this, things could change, mages deserved freedom, but monitoring, as you could see how things could slip to chaos.

You were looking wide eyed toward Dorian, who was calling you to create a fireball, to hit the wall. You looked toward your palm, fearing the hate that bubbled up with the use of offensive magic, the darkness threatened to give your magic a darkness, a fire only demons could call forth. Your hand flashed alight, the flames licked at your palm, at yet it did not burn, or set you a flame, it danced self contained in mid air, it slowly grew in power, and size, at a swift rate, you were forced to throw it free of your hand before it grew too destructive. It flashed against the wall, leaving a rather intense scorch mark. Dorian had been forced to jump back to avoid the blast zone, you smiled sheepishly as he tried to fix his now frazzled, and untamed locks, his eyes boring into you.

"Bloody hell, I said fireball, not firewall" he grumbled, dusting off his clothes.

You couldn't stop smirking, his hair looked hilarious, he was not amused. You managed to reign it in, both your laughing, and the power of your spells. So far the darkness had not crept in to turn your magic into something darker. The hate was merely simmering for the time being, once you returned to defensive magic, as you did at the end of every lesson now, the hate faded.

Dorian fixed his hair as best he could, he was walking back over to collect you from your own practice. "You have a visitor my dear, I assume this delicious looking man would be your Templar?"

You snapped your head round, spotting Cullen approaching you, you yelped with glee, you had not realized how much you missed him until that moment. You embraced him mid charge, forcing the poor man back a few steps. "I am glad to see you to" his whispered, after recovering from you winding him. He smoothed you hair from your face, his eyes locked upon yours, pulling you into a soft and gentle kiss, your whole body tingled. You hoped he would continue, you were mildly disappointed when he broke the kiss.

"So how goes the training?" he inquired with curiosity.

"Well, Dorian's a great mentor, I couldn't ask for better" You stated smiling widely.

"I am so happy to hear that, Winters was asking about you"

"How is he?" you asked in a despondent tone as you recalled the last time you saw him.

"He is fine, but since spending more time with your father he has been taking lyrium less, it is effecting him. I was hoping you could talk to him"

"I will" You had no idea how to approach Winters when you had both seen, and experienced the damage lyrium could do, how do you convince someone to take something that will either kill or drive them mad, so they dont die sooner. You wondered as to the comperlling arguements, you only knew you loved him like a father, so you had to do something. Before you lost yourself in the painful possibilities you asked with false cheer "how are you?"

"I am strange, I find my love for you puts me in two minds, I can not be as harsh upon apostates, I find I see mages as people rather than a danger to society"

"I fail to see this as a bad thing"

"It is to my superiors, they think me soft, and they will not allow it to continue, they will soon question my commitment to the cause" he strained, his expression torn between sadness, and confusion.

"I did not intend to effect you in this way, but I was only thinking yesterday how Templar's would be more understanding if they could know all mages suffer, but I also know why Templars fear us, it is instilled in us, in our training, we are oppressed in different ways, the chantry oppresses mages by corralling us like cattle, and creates an addiction within Templar's that they can leash them with"

Cullen's brow furrowed, then his eyes narrowed staring at you with a tinge of anger, before it faded into a resigned sigh "Yes your right, its not how I like to think of our duty"

"No Templar's are brave, and the good ones provide a necessary service, protecting us in wartime, and from the danger of magic. But the chantry does benefit from fostering the addiction does it not?"

"Yes your right, I am questioning so much due to you" he echoed.

"Is that not a good thing?"

"Not especially, I am questioning my faith, and I don't know what to do with this, I was already starting to think differently, and then you came into my life"

"Ha, you don't make that sound very flattering" you joked.

"I love you, but I feel a bit lost to my purpose, am I meant to remain a Templar, or is there more, I don't know" he sighed heavily. "Well I didn't come here to bore you with my crisis of faith" he dismissed his troubles off hand.

"You are not boring me, I will listen, and help if I can. I love you Cullen, whatever you chose to do, know you have my support" You smiled widely, but a chill ran up your spine as you recalled the demons cold words echoing in your ears, but you thought 'ridiculous, Cullen, and Dorian would not betray you'.

Cullen pulled you from your reverie, taking you arm, and leading you on a quiet walk with him. To the edge of the woods that bordered tevinter, it was a beautiful night, and it was comforting to have him close. He stopped and looked to the sun retreating behind the horizon, you watched the sun set together. You leant your head upon his shoulder "It's moments like these that I find I peace" Cullen whispered, pressing his head to yours. You felt a burst of love for him, all he had done for you, you didn't think he could or would love you, you felt lucky.

You stayed out until the beautiful moment of the sunset passed before you, falling to darkness. He walked you back to house Parvus, you spied Dorian sneaking a peak from behind a twitching curtain, you smiled to yourself. Turning to Cullen, feeling nervous about what you were about to suggest "Is it not too late to travel?" you posed.

"I have traveled at night before, it is no problem" he assured you, either not understanding your insinuation, or choosing to ignore it, you were unsure which was worse.

You raised your eyebrow, and looked intently at him, and he seemed to realize under your scrutiny. "Ah, well, I don't think that this is the place for such matters"

"Such matters?" you echoed, not liking the awkward phrase, draining the romance and lust from the moment. You could see how nervous he had become, and you couldn't stay angry at him.

"I am not very good at this, what I mean is I want it to be special, and private, and here provides neither"

"Cullen I think you explained that beautifully, but do not make me wait too long" you groaned in frustration, gripping to his collar.

His cheeks flushed "I wont" he breathed. With that you dragged him into a passionate kiss, gripping the back of his neck deepening the kiss. He returned your passion, wrapping his arms around you to pull you against him, his soft groans increasing your desire. You pushed your tongue between his parted lips, sliding your's over his, sucking gently at his tongue, his grip tightened around you. You could feel the breastplate of his concealed armor pressing harshly to your chest, how you longed for it to be skin to skin, nothing in the way. To feel him react to your touch, the thought was frustrating, as you knew he was returning to the training camp tonight, he wouldn't be convinced. So you enjoyed each passionate lingering kiss, when you finally broke the kiss, you were both breathless, eyes stormy with passion, wishing that you could continue. Your heart lurched when he kissed your cheek, and you were forced to watch him ride off into the night.

You leant against the door for a time, and sighed. Willing him to come back and reconsider, you finally pushed open the door when you realized he was definitely gone. You wondered up the stairs, Dorian stopped you before you reached your room, a sly grin upon his face "How come you didn't invite him in?"

"I tried believe me, but he is intent upon making things special" you grumbled in your frustration.

"That my dear is no bad thing, trust me, passion of a different kind is finite, sounds like he is serious"

"You think so?" you squeaked.

"Yes, he looks enamored, does he have a brother?"

"I only know of a sister I am afraid" I stated sadly.

"Ah well, you deserve to be happy do not doubt it"

"As do you Dorian, and don't you ever doubt that either" You stated with determination.

"Hmm, I do not know if I will ever get love, its not something I have found" he looked wistful for a moment.

"Dorian we both know your catch, the looks, the magic and the compassionate nature, any male would be lucky to love you"

"You know your right" even though he smiled, you could tell he was lightening his dark mood upon the subject, the sadness lingered. You wanted to embrace him, but his father called out for you both to quiet down. You both reacted like scorned children, covering your mouths as you giggled at the preposterous sense of it all, two grown up's chided at like children. You both smiled as you whispered goodnight, you walked into your rooms, hoping your dreams would be of Cullen, hoping your defensive magic could hold the demon at bay once more.


	14. unexpected visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are progressing well with your magic, but were is Cullen?

Your magic was coming on in leaps and bounds, and your control was greater, the urge to use dark magic did not surface so readily with offensive magic, You were beginning to feel hopeful. Dorian's words as a mentor both challenged, and comforted you, and his friendship was beginning to mean the world to you, you could no longer imagine your life without him. Yet other matters worried you, it had been weeks since Cullen's last visit, You began to wonder whether your bold words had frightened him off, when unexpectedly he dropped by, you spotted him, you charged over to him forgetting you were in full view of the Parvus family. Cullen embraced you, kissing you tenderly, when he broke the kiss, his cheeks flushed pink as he realized you had an audience. He became all professional in his introduction, over compensating for his embarrassment. You gasped upon seeing the rage etched into Dorian's fathers expression, his arms folded tightly to his chest, you could tell he was brimming with fury, but he remained contained in front of Cullen. He greeted him with a tight lipped smile, you thought at first it was his role as a templar that encouraged such an angry response, but it seemed to be more your attentiveness to Cullen. As his lip curled up in a growl each time Cullen laid his hand upon you, be it oh so innocently upon your shoulder, or your knee. Dorian's father looked close to breaking point as the visit continued, both you and Dorian shared weary glances, knowing that his father was building up a storm, that both of you would suffer later. Cullen pleasantly unaware of the tension building, you felt on edge, praying for the visit to end, but also wanting Cullen to remain, as you loved seeing him, but you also yearned for someone to hold back the tide coming, you hated confrontation of this kind, the kind where you couldn't just kill the person barking at you, you had to face them, and contend with other emotions, all of which you feared.

Cullen blushed slightly when you took his hand, he winced as your grip tightened when he spoke of leaving, you did not want him to leave, you looked to him pleading with my eyes. You followed him outside, leading him back to his horse “I have just been so busy with the recruits, I didn't want you to think otherwise, hence the flying visit, you know I want to stay here with you” he offered so sweetly, still unaware of awaited me behind that door, I swallowed, wondering what barbed words he had prepared for myself, and Dorian. Whether he was going to kick me out, leave me without my mentor at such a crucial time. I was holding back the demons thus far, but any weakness and they would find a way through, and the torture would begin a new.

I didn't realize I was clinging so tightly to Cullen, until he uttered “I will be back to see you, I promise”

I didn't know what to say, so I pulled him into a desperate kiss, hoping it would bring you some comfort, you felt a measure of your own fury toward Dorian's father knowing that his behavior had not allowed you to enjoy Cullen's visit. It had kept held you upon a high wire, waiting for the fall. Cullen broke the kiss, his eyes filled with love, and an unfulfilled urge burning within him. He closed his eyes biting his lip, taking his hands from your hips, as if holding them there would have lead them to take on lives of their own, and roam your body like you both wanted so badly. His eyes opening to catch yours, both of you now caught in that stare, you forgot the problems awaiting you, you only wanted Cullen, and you wanted him now. But he pulled back, casting glances back at you, as he mounted his horse. 

“I will be back as soon as I can get away” his voice tinged with the need to be with you, but it still had to be right, you could see him hesitating, but he eventually pulled away, and rode of into the distance.

You turned back to house Parvus, looking to the house with a dread you had reserved for your demon. You deliberately walked as slow as you could, just to delay the inevitable, you would have ran, but you didn't want to leave Dorian to face him alone. Until now you hadn't really noticed how intimidating Dorian's father truly was, he was more experienced in magic, and that dark look upon his face struck fear in you, as if you feared what he was capable of, or maybe you were seeing a reflection, the fear was of what you were capable of, you weren't quiet sure. The shadow of the mansion loomed over you, you took a deep and heavy breath, as if you feared it was your last.

You pushed open the door, to find Dorian wringing his hands, shaking a little. His eyes flashed up to you as you pushed open the door, the loud creaking alerting all to your return, you winced as the creak sounded out, the silence that followed made you feel claustrophobic, as if there was no air in the room, and the walls were closing in. You were forced to gasp for air, as you had been holding your breath, the air was thick with tension, it was palpable. And yet not a single word left Dorian's fathers turned down lips, his eyes shot you both a vicious glare, this was not over by any means. He stormed out, and slammed the door heavily, it reverberated through the house like a clap of thunder. Leaving you and Dorian looking to one another, afraid to speak should he wonder back in, frozen for a hellish few moments, dreading his return. Until it became clear if he was coming back, it would not be for some time.

“I have not seen him like this, he normally shouts, but this is much more frightening, his silence worries me”

“Dorian, what I can I do?” You pleaded, wanting to help fix a situation you did quite know how you had forced, but you had something in motion.

“Just be there with me when he decides to go off, I can handle myself, but the support will give me additional courage you understand”

You could see how shaken he was by this, and that frightened you, Dorian seemed unflappable, but in this moment he looked like a frightened boy, and you despised his father for having this effect upon him, how dare he you thought. You wondered if getting involved would only make matters worse, you were firstly worried for your friend, but you also had to wonder what would become of you, would you be homeless, and without support for your magic, and if you were thrown into such a vulnerable place, the demons hand would push through those barriers with ease, and begin working you to its will. 

You embraced Dorian, wishing to comfort him, but also for yourself. He clung to you, and whispered “Whatever happens you are my friend, I will not let him break us apart”

You prayed that Dorian's's father did not have that power, you pulled closer to Dorian, his warmth taking the edge off your frayed nerves, you hated waiting, and the unknown frightened you more, as you could not predict what would happen, only fear it, and that fear could take you to dark places.


	15. A taste of tevinter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Upon Dorian's fathers return, things only become more strained

Both you and Dorian remained on tender hooks, you didn't normally clean so you knew you were anxious, and the cleanliness of house Parvus spoke volumes of the severity of your anxiety. You held a cloth in your vice like grip, pressing harshly to the marble, as your eyes filtered from your task to the door. Each creak frayed your nerves a new, gritting your teeth, you sighed heavily, and looked to Dorian who had not moved an inch, he was sat rigidly waiting for his fathers return. Strained hours went by, you watched poor Dorian's hands dig into the arm rest of the chair, his knuckles bare white, his jaw tight, his eyes locked upon the door.  
You had tried to calm him down, and yourself in the process, but Dorian's reaction worried you, this behaviour was unlike Dorian's father, and this held you both on edge.

When he returned, he didn't look at either of you, Dorian's eyes expectant, wanting this cruel suspense over. He disappeared, and soon returned with a tight smile, acting like nothing had occurred, Dorian seemed pleased to just let it pass, but you had a sinking feeling, your days were numbered in tevinter, and soon you would be forced into the circle. You had not heard a good word of the circle, it was alike to prison, and oppression of mages, treating them like dangerous animals who needed to be caged. You were thankful that Winters and Cullen had found a way to place you in the only community were mages were free, and revered. You were glad to have found a friend in Dorian, he was a wonderful mentor, and supportive friend. 

The rest of the day passed without incident, but you couldn't shake that feeling of dread rising within you. You found you couldn't sleep that night, so you snuck out of the mansion. You wondered the darkened streets, and yet the shadow of night held no fear for you, as you knew of demons. Nothing but Dorian's father, and demons inspired fear within you. The moonlight and quiet streets almost made the imperium look like a peaceful beautiful city, you could see the illusion of it, the beautiful front, hiding the darkness within, you saw the similarity between you and horrors hiding behind the closed doors, and it sickened you. You didn't want there to be this darkness within you, that you had to fight for the rest of your life. The mere thought exhausted you, you had wondered to the edge of the city, sneaking through the gates. You followed the path out to find a tavern in the middle of nowhere, you wondered if it was open, you pressed you hand hopefully to the wooden door, desperate to immerse yourself in a different world, if just for a few hours.

The door opened, swinging free of your hand, slamming to the wall announcing your arrival to all its patrons. They all scrutinised you, some shifty looking gentlemen scowled at your interruption of their business deal. Other patrons just gave you a cursory glance before returning to their merry making, you nervously slunk to the back. You surveyed the tavern hoping there was a seat free somewhere, but there wasn't, you picked the least frightening looking patron, preying they wouldn't begrudge you taking a seat, or worse pull you into uncomfortable pleasantries. As you drew closer you noticed how the hooded stranger seemed to shift nervously, you stopped before them taking a deep breath "may I take a seat?" You asked politely.

"Free country" he spat as if you, and the very words offended him.

You slowly took beside him, feeling nervous, trying hard to get the barmaids attention, but she was hastily running between tables, your polite proclamations didn't even reach her. You sighed heavily, you could hear the man beside you laughing "what's so funny?" You found yourself staying in annoyance.

"Your not from around here are you" he chortled. "Too polite, and too humble to be from tevinter"

"That a compliment or an insult?" You pressed, still frustrated by his taking humour in you.

"Both" he stated in a gravely voice. He called the barmaid over for you, she rushed over, looking run ragged, making you feel guilty for imposing, but you asked for a pint. You didn't care what it was, you just needed something to ward away the shadows within, and the darkness the lurked within the parvus house.

The ale crashed upon the table before you, the murky liquid dripped over the wooden flagon, you observed it as if it was of great interest. You didn't wish to catch anyone's eye, you wanted to be as invisible as possible. You took a tentative sniff, it was foul, so there was little hope for the taste. You sipped the ale with your eyes closed tightly, preparing for the taste to offend your tongue. The liquid warmed your tongue, rushing down your throat, at first it wasn't unpleasant, it was the after taste that forced a coughing fit. As you recovered, you could hear him laughing at you again. "I should of warned you it has quiet a kick" he continued to laugh at your expense.

"Glad I could amuse you" you grumbled feeling mildly embarrassed and annoyed.

"Don't be too embarrassed I suffered a similar reaction when drinking this poison" he offered, still laughing softly to himself, he glance in your direction, had given you a glimpse of wide green eyes. Made you wonder what he looked like, but you had no intent to remove the hood, as you realised he must be cover up for a reason. So you let your curiosity chase its own tale, knowing it would not be satisfied. 

"Acquired taste I am sure" you grimaced at the idea of a second sip.

"It grows on you, after it numbs your tongue" he joked.

You were curious as to why he was hiding at the back, hood obscuring his face. But you did not wish to take on another's secrets, you had enough of your own. So you just enjoyed some banter with this mysterious man, and when the pint was finally gone, you sighed with relief, but still worried about what you were returning to. 

You steeled your nerves to leave, and made you way back to sleeping city, sneaking back through, and returning to house parvus, you crept up the stairs, you could hear Dorian's father talking in his sleep as you carefully slipped into your room.

You strained to hear his words, wondering if they would reveal anything of your fate, but he fell silent. And the eerie atmosphere seemed to take on a strange vibe, as if something had changed. You grew weary, and began to feel the pull of slumber, you prayed the demons would not seize upon your mildly weakened constitution, as that ale was as strong as it was foul.

You woke the next day, with no recall of the fade, or a pull of darkness, you were relieved. However the dull throb in your head grew as you stirred, thankful you had only had one, as maker knows how terrible you feel after many. You washed up, luxuriating in the warm water, almost drifting off in the lull of steam wishing around you. You dressed in plain clothes, trousers, and black boots, and white shirt, you were not one for grand, or garish clothing. 

You rushed down, to find the Parvus family had guests, Dorian's father grimaced at the sight of you, silently bristling. Dorian shook his head at your choice of clothing, the guest turned. You could tell from his expensive dress, and manner that he was a magister. His grey hair, and edge beard, framed his stern features, that obviously were practiced in looking down upon others, as he managed it flawlessly. You didn't care, you forced a smile and civility for the sake of Dorian. You dropped next to Dorian after the ceremony of the introduction, you had just grown comfortable hiding behind Dorian, when a deep gravely voice caught you off guard, as it sounded rather familiar. You looked up as he repeated "would you like anything to drink miss?"

His elven eyes widened with fear, and recognition, he looked like a cornered animal. His silvery white hair hanging about his wide green eyes, his chiselled jaw drawn tight. He had strange markings adorning his skin, you finally managed to state "no thank you" with a smile.

He hurried away, about to leave the room when the magister called "Fenris, you will stay, should our hosts need anything" 

It felt strange that the only person uncomfortable with this was you, Dorian and his father seemed obvious to the injustice of the way the magister treated Fenris. You flinched each time he called out his name, you excused yourself, hiding out in the kitchen. You almost jumped out of your skin when you heard "my master sent me to check upon you"

"Master?" You echoed, the word feeling so foreign upon your tongue, but his sounded so practiced, as if it was any everyday word.

He looked puzzled by your repeating the word back "I am not from around here remember, this enforced servitude doesn't sit right with me" you stated honestly as the silence ran on.

"Do you need anything?" He added as if you had said nothing. 

"No, I can manage myself thank you, and I won't say anything so don't look so worried" you assured him.

"Thank you" he whispered but his expression was that of pure shock, as if he couldn't understand your not turning him in to his master. You didn't care for the magisters and their ways, as Dorian's father and the magister conferred in private, you found yourself standing beside Fenris "so where do you come from?" You posed curiously.

He remained silent, looking at you strangely, Dorian called you over "what are you doing?" He spoke in a vehement hush.

"Why?" You posed utterly confused as to any wrong doing.

"We don't talk to the slaves of magisters, you will get both him, and yourself in trouble"

"So I can't treat him like a person" you hissed louder than intended.

"Keep your voice down, we are lucky my father didn't go ballistic over finding out about us not becoming what he had hoped, don't encourage his wrath, and that of a magister, it won't end well for you or him, please" Dorian's eyes begging you to understand their rules.

You felt conflicted, unsure what to do, it had been the first time since you got here you had been face to face with this brand of injustice, you had been aware and felt guilty and powerless to do anything to help or stop it. As the magister was leaving, you bowed, and said goodbye to Fenris. You knew that was the least you could do in that moment, you saw a smile play about his lips as he left, the magister shooting you a glare. Dorian's father apologising for your lack of manners, stating how you were not Tevinter born, and how taking you in was an act of charity. The magister satisfied, he left Dorian's fathers face was thunder, he stalked over to you "you are treading a thin line, you will never embarrass me like that again" he boomed.

You were taken back by the rage burning in his eyes, you barely managed a nod. You were beginning to feel as though you no longer belonged here, you were shocked by Dorian's acceptance of the way things were, and you no longer could imagine yourself staying here, the rose tinted glasses were broken, and you could see Tevinter as it truly was. The corruption, and darkness was deep seeded into the fabric of the culture, and you were glad you were not Tevinter born, otherwise you to may to turn a blind eye to this injustice.


	16. Friends, lovers and strange truths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You grow closer to Fenris, and Dorian. Cullen visits, but things become complex upon your return

For weeks after your chance meeting with Fenris, you ignored Dorian's advice, and continued to treat him like a person, not property. The magister seemed to be visiting more regularly, you began to worry Dorian's father was up to something. Each visit you made it your mission to annoy the magister, you knew this was not clever, but it made you feel less like you were just accepting what you believed to be an injustice. Fenris spoke to you more when the magister was beyond earshot, he was rather sweet once you got passed the harsh exterior, this only made you feel worse.

"I hate this" you declared.

"What?" Fenris retorted.

"The way you are treated, people aren't property" you grumbled, frustrated at your lack of power, and courage.

"You are the first mage I have met that has seemed to care about something other than power, and I can talk to you, it's nice" he smiled.

The magister re-entered the room, you and Fenris almost leapt apart, as if being close was a crime. The magister raised his eyebrow and looked to you "taken a liking to my Fenris haven't you, don't get too attached my dear, he goes were I go" he stated with a sickly smile.

You growled, muttering swear words under your breath, wishing you had the courage to shout them aloud. Fenris looked sullen as he had to walk out with the magister, he was your friend why couldn't you speak out for him you chided yourself.

Dorian continued to teach you to control your gift, and despite disagreeing strongly upon the matter of Fenris, you remained close, and always found comfort in his kindness, and humour.

When Cullen finally came to visit you, you were so in need of time away from the twisted culture of Tevinter. His sweet face was cure for a thousand ills, he stated he was taking you somewhere alike to your old escape at the training ground, you found this romantic. You were so enthused as you galloped further away from Tevinter, to find a forest, and next to the edge, was a river, it was like a small peaceful corner of the world he had search out just for you. He lay a blanket down, you slowly descended to the ground, and lay flat for a moment staring to the bright and beautiful sky, you felt lucky, to have such good friends, and the demons had left you alone, so most nights were more peaceful, except for Dorian's fathers inane chatter in his sleep, you just began to tune him out.

You felt Cullen take up beside you, the gentle brush of his thigh to yours sent a rush throughout your body. Your cheeks flushed when you turned to face him, he looked rather anxious, he nervously shifted as if trying to get comfortable.

He turned on his side to face you "I brought a few things if your hungry or thirsty?" He offered, his eye contact shifting, you put him out of his misery and said "yes, I am both"

You normally ate with Dorian and his father, but of late you had avoided the highly strained atmosphere. You had eaten left overs in the kitchen, as your own company was barely more preferable, as you had begun to wonder to many things, none of which seemed good, and all worried you.

While lost amongst your thoughts Cullen had spread out a lovely selection of bread, chocolate, cheeses, fruit, and wine. You took to whatever took your fancy, you avoided the cheese as you were concerned about your breath. The wine was nothing like the ale in tavern you frequented with Fenris, there was no foul after taste, it was smooth and mildly fruity in its bouquet, you enjoyed two mugs of it, as you found it settled your nerves, and bolstered your confidence.

The light was fading when you reached out for Cullen, tracing his cheek, his stubble tickled the skin of your fingers, he closed his eyes enjoying your touch to the fullest. You edged closer, pushing your fingers into his hair, meshing your fingers in his blonde locks, catching the skin upon his scalp gently, he smiled. You leant forward, pressing your lips awkwardly to his, as the angle was strange, he quickly corrected this in a swift fluid motion, he was now leaning over you, his body weight pressing gently upon you. The kiss was passionate, but both of you found your hands took to edging free the barriers, you broke the kiss to pull his shirt free, you marvelled at his tone muscular physique, the result of years of training, and the scars adorning his body showed his time in combat. You traced the scars with your fingertips, he shivered at your touch, when he opened his eyes he pulled your shirt free of you. His eyes widened, eyeing you appreciatively, the light chill in the air rushed over you, goosebumps forming upon your skin, your nipples already hard from the passion of his kiss.

He pushed his fingers into your hair wrapping his fingers around the soft strands, playing with them, placing delicate kisses down the nape of your neck, you moaned softly as the soft kisses brought forth a warmth in your chest, and began a familiar throbbing between your legs. When his lips continued down your chest, he paused before your left breast, taking his tongue to hardened nipple, teasing it with only the tip of his tongue, before he took you into his mouth, and sucked gently. You gripped tightly to his muscular shoulders, thrilled by the rush of pleasure, and enjoying the feel of his skin against your roaming fingers, you traced the small of his back, he sucked with a more force, not much but enough to notice, you cried out. You enjoyed the pressure change, your body and skin enjoying the urgency of his actions. He continued this wanton act upon your right breast, forcing more delighted cries from your lips. His smile was now wicked, his eyes stormy with lust, he pulled his fingers free of your hair, tracing them down your side pulling down your trousers, slowly, finally freeing you of them, along with your panties. He removed his trousers more swiftly, along with his boots, and underwear. He pulled back up to be face to face with you, but now he was atop you, his erection pressing to you insistently. You groaned, the idea of him deep inside you was a fantasy about to be fulfilled. He took your lips in a gentle kiss, as he snaked his fingers between your legs, tracing over your clit, making you jolt against him, his agile fingers circled your clit, grazing it gentle with each considered motion. The pleasure began to build slowly, your back arched forcing your bodies closer. Despite the awkward angle he managed to continue to tease your your clit, until you were calling out his name in a breathy, tone heavy with desire, you came hard, jolting in the aftershocks of pleasure, his fingers now coated with your arousal, you were dripping wet. When you began to relax, he pressed the head of his cock to your slick folds, pushing in gently, filling you to the hilt slowly, groaning softly as your arousal coated his cock, giving him ease of motion. He pulled out gently, enjoying the friction, and then slowly back in, he built up a slow and enjoyable rhythm, his eyes locked upon yours. He enjoyed the slow build, wanting this pleasure, this moment to go on, to last for as long as possible. The closeness, and the intense gaze thrilled you, the feel of him inside you was better than you had imagined, you groaned as you felt him slowly harden within you, his eyes closing as the orgasm slowly took him, holding to his slow rhythm, prolonged his build to a heady orgasm, his loud groans filled the air, he whispered your name with each additional wave of pleasure took him. His warm and sweat coated skin felt nice pressed against you, as he recovered. He pulled away slowly, aiding you to dress, then pulled you into his arms. The both of you were satisfied, and conformable in each other's arms. You both drifted off in the warmth of each other's embrace.

When you awoke to find him gone, you sighed heavily. Finding a note beside you 'I did not wish to wake you, you looked so beautiful, and peaceful. Last night was amazing, and I look forward to seeing you again soon. I had to return to training the recruits early, I wish I was with you. Love Cullen'

You clung to the note pressing it to your chest, you feel giddy, what a sweet note, words you would treasure. The dawn barely peaking in the sky, you walked back to Tevinter slowly, not wishing to lose this moment too soon, you relived it with every step, the tenderness, the intense gaze, and the delicious pleasure of it all. You reached the gates, you couldn't muster the energy to sneak in, so you went through the front gate, the guard ushering you through.

You enjoyed the peace of the early morning, the birds chirping happily in the trees. You used your key with care, trying to be as quiet as possible, you closed the door cautiously. And crept in, you must have succeeded in remaining quiet as Dorian's father was ranting in his study, you do not know what drew you to his door, but you listened intently. Your eyes widened when you heard him declare "I will not let him destroy my line, I can change him, a simple ritual will make sure Dorian honours this family the way he should. I can fix him, I will fix him, house Parvus will go on" he declared as if speaking to someone.

You rushed away, trying to forget what you had just heard, he couldn't be serious, these had to be mad ramblings, he couldn't be considering blood magic. You had heard it was often used in the imperium, but you had not witnessed it. You hated Dorian's father for not accepting his son, and for marring what has been a wonderful morning, until now.

Dorian caught you sneaking into your room not allowing you time to think, you had wanted to think over what you wanted to say. But as Dorian stood before you eagerly asking you for details of your obvious tryst, his eyes alight. You found the words just tumbled out without thought "Dorian I heard your father plotting to use blood magic on you"

His eyes darkened, his smile faded, his stern expression fixed upon you. "You must be mistaken" he hissed accusingly, as if you were making it up to upset him.

"No Dorian please listen, he sounded serious, and quiet frantic"

His stony glare wounded you, he growled "drop this now"

"I can't, I don't want him to hurt you"

"My father would not do such a thing to me, how dare you suggest such a thing" he spat, then stalked away, slamming his door.

The sound both shocked, and broke your heart, you could see why he would refuse to believe it, you could barely believe it yourself, but you had to stop this, you had to do something, you felt you had remained silent upon too many serious matters, you could no longer hold your tongue. You knew one person who you could help you, a man whom you trusted, and you needed to see, you hoped winters knew what to do.


	17. standing your ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You finally decide to stand your ground, and things do not go to plan

Unable to sleep, your anxiety hounded you, like a wolf baying at the moon, it was a distant threat lingering, reminding you of its power, and presence. Dorian's reaction was expected, you had just revealed and ugly truth, or had you, you still hoped you had misheard him, or caught him in a weak moment, threats with no intent. But you recalled the vehemence in his voice and you knew it was more than a vague threat, he had sounded crazed and determined, a dangerous mix.

You soothed your aching muscles in a bath, as you had held in awkward positions too long in the height of your anxiety, almost catatonic. You dragged yourself up, your weary eyes finding it difficult to focus upon the task of dressing. You had hoped to catch Dorian and try and explain you had not meant offence, you were just worried for him, he had often spoke of his fathers want to change him to what was considered the norm, to continue the parvus line, maybe now he was going that one step too far, and Dorian refused to see it, you had no wanted to believe it either.

You snuck out, holding your breath the entire way, praying you didn't bump into Dorian's father, as you had no idea what to say to him, or what you would blurt out if confronted. Thankfully you escaped, borrowing a horse from the stables, you glanced back at a place that had once seemed like home, now the cracks had begun to show, and you felt it was no longer safe, not for you or Dorian, you had warned him, and now you were at a loss as to what to do next. You mounted the horse, and rode away, feeling the shadow of the imperium follow you. You could no longer escape, but you could at least find rest, and wisdom, words you could trust.

The ride felt so long and drawn out, the light of the sun burning down upon you. Finally you saw your fathers home appear on the horizon, and drew up to the door, tying up the horse, as if you should lose it, it would only add to your list of offences, and you were on thin ice as it was.

You knocked heavily upon the heavy wooden door, burning your knuckles with the force. Winters opened it slowly until he saw you, then he cast it aside, and embraced you. You were shocked to see how frail he had become, you held to him gently, fearing you may hurt him if you held as tightly as you wished to.

You followed him in, and he took you to your fathers bedside, you heart broke when you saw he looked much worse than Winters. You placed you hand over his skeletal one, feeling the tears clouding your eyes. He stirred and looked over to you, it was an obvious strain to move his head alone. You saw something you had not seen in a long time, the light of recognition. It choked you with emotion when he rasped "my daughter it is good to see you"

"Oh father I love you, I need you hear that before" you stopped unable to continue you sentence, your voice strangled with emotion. You had to tell him before he was lost to you once more, he had to know, you needed him to know, despite what had happened that you loved him.

He drifted into a weary sleep, your tears falling freely down your cheeks. You turned to Winters who was clearly suffering "what has happened to you both?" You stammered.

"I didn't realise how much the lyrium was sustaining us, we have been using it too long, the damage is done. But we can army the very least spend our days knowing who we are"

"It's killing you both to stop, why now?" You cried.

"I am an old man, and I wish to spend my last days enjoying time with my friend, I have spent so much time here, that I didn't not wish to lose myself as your father had. So I do what is right for us both, understand that it is better this way"

"I don't want to lose you both, please"

"Would you rather I live an unnaturally long life trapped in my own body, with no memory of who I am, or who you are?" He pressed wearily.

You knew he was right, but there was a selfish need within you wanting them to live in any state so you could avoid the agony of loss. You took to his side, embracing him "I am afraid of the pain" you whispered, not wanting to say it aloud.

"I know" he whispered. He pulled you away gently to look you square in the eye. "But is it not better that we go recalling what all those in our lives have meant to us"

You nodded gently, not wanting to see his wisdom. "You look troubled" he added looking into your weary bloodshot eyes.

"I will not burden you" you dismissed.

"Child do not be so foolish, I love you like a daughter, and I will be there for you as long as time allows now out with it"

You wanted to hold back, but once again it all spilled forth unbidden "I fear that my friend is in danger, his father intends to use blood magic, but he didn't believe me. And they have slaves within Tevinter, I can not be okay with this" you took a breath after rambling for so long.

"Blood magic is very dangerous, but Templars have no power within Tevinter, they have however been at war with the Qunari for some time so maybe you could use them as a scare tactic to save your friend, and maybe free your other friend. But please do not do this alone, it is dangerous to appose those within the imperium, I do not wish you to get hurt. But I see it is not something you can remain silent upon, so do what you think is right, but be aware that the result may not be what you expect" he cautioned.

You turned the conversation to days gone by, and spent the rest of your visit reminiscing and thanking him for all he had done for you. When your father joined the conversation you were delighted and overwhelmed to hear him recall so much, you did not want to leave. But winters insisted, and asked you to return tomorrow to tell him how things went.

You begrudgingly left, your heart both broken to see them so weak, and weary, when once they were strong warriors. Your heart was also warmed to hear them laugh, and recall so much, and for then both to know how much they meant to you felt like a weight lifted.

The ride back was an anxious one, as you were about to level threats at very powerful men, you were pained knowing you were breaking your promise, but you did not wish to include another in this, it was your fight. Upon reaching house Parvus, you saw the magister entering, and realised this was your moment, and you had to take it before your nerve failed you.

You stormed in, the magister and Dorian's father scowled upon your interruption. "I need to speak with you both" you declared.

"This is highly improper, know your place child" the magister chided.

"I have no intent to remain blind to your crimes, you have no right to enslave another, and you have no right to hurt your son, I won't allow it" you pulled your arms behind your back to hide how you were trembling, you didn't want them to see your fear.

"And who exactly do you plan to tell, your Templar boyfriend has no power here" the magister stated smugly.

"No, intend to speak to Qunari, they would find your use of blood magic and abomination, they do not fear the imperium, or its corruption"

"You foolish little child, you think you can stand against us, you would be wise to fall silent while you remain an annoyance"

"I will do no such thing, I will go to Qunari today, and tell them all I know"

"I took you in, and this is how you repay me" Dorian's father spat.

"Don't even try claiming the moral ground, you will not destroy Dorian, I will not allow it"

You were shocked by how confident you had managed to sound, you were petrified, but you knew you were right to stand up finally, you could live with being kicked out of the imperium knowing you had tried.

The commotion that followed your outburst was a flurry, it all happened so fast. You were taken into custody as an enemy of the imperium. You could have escaped one magister, your power greater, but they came in force. Imprisoning you while they decided your fate.

You looked through the bars, panicking, you had tried every spell you knew, but their combined magic was strong enough to hold you at bay. Frustrated you dropped to your knees, and your mind cast back to the demons offer, you shook your head, you would not turn to him, you would find a way out of this. Your fear grew as the day drew on, they conversed for a very long time, and finally one of them came down to tell you of your fate, you gulped hard, ready for anything.

"Your consorting with demons will be made known to the Templars, and you will be made tranquil"

You had not been prepared for them to be so cruel, you thought they saw you as a mere voice they could quash, but your mention of the Qunari must have stirred their rage, making them decide upon the worst fate for a Mage. It occurred to you only Dorian knew of your contact with demons, he surely wouldn't have told his father this to give them an easy way to tear you down. You were now wishing you had kept your mouth shut, but it was too late. They left you to stew in your panic and fear, while they made the complaints and reports official.

Danarius himself smiling wickedly came down, and you knew it was only salt for the wound. "You will in the morning be matched out of the imperium, handed to the Templars, and we have requested that your commander Cullen perform the rite, this will teach you, and any others who wish to speak out to hold their tongues"

They certainly knew how to twist the knife, you shouldn't have been so rash, so bold, standing alone, they were able to discredit and deal with you easily, you had given them this.

You were frantic, it was only your lack of sleep that aloud you to sleep upon the cold cell floor, your mind raced even as you slept, you found no peace. Your demon returned to you, knowing you were vulnerable, he called to you. You went to him willingly, but only to feel the twisted brand of comfort, only he could give.

"Did I not tell you they would turn upon you" he hissed, almost gloating.

You were a fool to expect comfort from him, you began to turn away when he hooked you with "who do you think spoke of your visits to me, Dorian gave his father, and the magister what he needed. He is protecting the very man whom is about to destroy him, so he would destroy you in his place to cling to the illusion that his father is not so cruel. I will give you the power to exact your revenge upon them, I can help you destroy them"

You were tempted to take his outstretched claw, his dark words clouded your mind. You snatched you hand back just in time, looking to him knowing his only care was for his freedom. You held strong pulling away from him, running deeper into the fade. You heard him call "I will be here, you only need call for me, and you will" his confidence worried you.

You jolted awake to the pain of an uncomfortable sleep upon a stone floor. You pulled up, each muscle protesting the strain, you found someone standing before you, it was Dorian.

He regarded you with a shameful glance, it was then you knew the demon spoke the truth. "You told your father didn't you?" You cried.

"You need only drop this insanity, and you can come back" he begged.

"It is not insanity, your fathers silence was him plotting, the demons left me alone because they found another willing to do their bidding. Your father" you hissed.

"Maker if you could only hear yourself, you would realise how insane you sound"

"Dorian please hear me, don't let them do this to me, or you, we do not fit in with what they need so they will destroy us, please help me, I am your friend"

"He is my father, I can't turn upon him, you are wrong, he would never do such a thing"

You slumped back to the ground, realising Dorian would not hear you out, he would be destroyed, as would you. You could only appeal to one other, Cullen, you hoped he would at the very least kill you instead of forcing the rite of tranquility, the last mercy you could beg for.

You spent three days awaiting the response and arrival of the Templars, you would have refused the meagre food and water, but you knew if you were weakened the demon would be able to take over without any resistance. So even though it burned your pride you forced it down, almost choking upon each bite. You had tried to avoid sleep, and the fade, you were more than exhausted, only staying awake barely by pacing back and forth. You were close to falling asleep upon your feet when the magisters burst in announcing your armed guards were waiting.

Dorian was beside his father, and remained standing silent, they dragged you out kicking and screaming. Dorian watched you rage against the magisters, tears filled his eyes as they had to forcibly subdue you. Matching you through the streets of tevinter, branding you a Mage would sort to release demons. Fenris looked shocked when he saw you, his face dropped when Danarius told him. You wanted to tell him in was all lies, but their subduing of you has silenced you, making you helpless to defend your name. So you bowed your head to avoid the pained glare, and the self righteous hypocrites leading you out, and those lining the streets calling foul things at you. You would have felt rage at their duplicity, but you had no energy with which to do so.

The Templars stood ready at the gates, placing lyruim laced shackles upon you, weakening your magic. Cullen could not bring himself to look upon you, you were unsure as to whether disgust or shame averted his gaze. But either way it cut you so deeply to see no one come to your defence, you had spoke out, but none would do so for you.

You felt broken as they took you back to were it had all begun, the training camp. They dragged you into the cells, throwing you inside, locking the door, leaving you alone with Cullen.

"Maker what did you do?"

"I spoke out against a magister, please Cullen, I need to stop them, they are going to use blood magic on Dorian"

"There is nothing I can do, they have made official complaints to Meredith, this will go ahead, the amount of guards assigned are too many"

"So you won't even try, please do not do this to me"

"I notice you have not denied the charge" Cullen stated sadly.

"I can not lie a demon has been trying for months to sway me, but he has failed, does that mean nothing"

"No Mage can resist a demon, the rite will protect you from them"

"No please, no, just kill me instead" you begged, your desperation mounting, as Cullen seemed to become distant.

"I could never kill you" he muttered.

"It would be a mercy, please if you condemn me, do not let it be to tranquillity" you cried, tears streaking your face. You would have reached for him but the shackles were so heavy you couldn't move your arms. You wailed as the hopelessness took you, Cullen left, tears racing free from his pained eyes. You knew he didn't want to do this, but they had backed him into a corner.

You again waited your fate, this time all options exhausted, mercy denied. You feared tranquillity, you had met tranquil mages. They were no longer people, they were not who they once were, they were shadows. That was no way to live, you could not let it happen, in your anguished sobs echoed. You slumped over your knees that you clung to pulled to your chest defensively, with the lyrium cutting you off from the fade, you were able to drift into a broken, and restless sleep.

You awoke with a start, not realising where you were for a moment, when the realisation hit you a new, your eyes filled with fresh tears. You didn't even care about the pain in your craned neck, and arched awkwardly back. You remained in this position until someone came in, once again it was Cullen, he looked more sombre than he had yesterday.

"I am afraid I have some good and awful news for you, I hate that our last days should be this way" he strained.

"What is this news?" you croaked, not even wanting to hear it, as you were sick of bad news, and did not want to shoot this messenger, you had hoped to love Cullen, and be with him.

"Your sentence had been stayed, only so you may attend, the funeral of Winters, and your father, they passed sometime this morning. I am so sorry, but this is the last mercy they would afford you, and that fear, and grief shall be your final emotions" he looked destroyed.

You could barely register his words, you could only cling to the fact that you had seen them, and they knew that you loved them.

Cullen ignored the rules, and opened the cell, dropping to he ground, and embracing you. "Your brother and, sister will be in attendance, this will be unbearable, too many goodbyes, this is such a cruelty, why did you have to try and speak out, damn your good intentions" he smiled weakly through his tears, before he pulled you back to him, and held you. You both cried, and clung to each other, wondering how it had come to this.


	18. Goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You must say your goodbyes to those you love

A stay of execution only to face another form of hell was no mercy, You did not know how to say goodbye to two people who meant the world to you. And the indignity of being frog marched in in chains was a shame you realised you wouldn’t have to bear for long, you were lucky, and pained that the vindictive magisters chose Cullen, as without him at your side you do not know what you would have done.  
You felt so desperately lost, and destroyed, Winters and your Father had be both guide, and guardian to you, you were unable to say anything as you were transported like a common criminal to the clearing in which they were holding the service.  
If they had a cage you could be sure they would have had you in it, the looks they gave you ranged from fear, to utter disgust, and they greys in-between. Only one person’s gaze was gentle, and loving. Cullen was the only thing making this bearable, but you knew that asking him to kill you was going to be difficult upon you both. The only thought that provided any comfort was that soon you would be joining your father, your mother, and winters.

Your father was well respected, as was winters. Upon you arrival, the clanking of your chains alerted all to your presence. A sea of angry faces turned to you; you recognised many of the Templars in attendance. Your old roommate looked as torn, she wanted to comfort you, and yet she felt betrayed, and shackled by duty. So she cast her gaze to the ground, and did not look at you again, as if she feared to. 

Your brother and sister both turned to you, and for the first time in many years that wall between you was gone, they only stood before you as heartbroken siblings.

“Can’t you remove those?” your brother hissed. “For andraste’s sake it’s our father’s funeral” his eyes became glassy. You realised that you had never seen your brother cry, but even he could not stem the tide, the pain, and anguish ran free. You raised your arms to console him, but the shackles were too heavy to lift, you let out an anguished sob.

“I would take them off, but knight commander Meredith is watching, she isn’t pleased that I arranged this”

“You arranged this, against orders?” My sister seemed shocked a fellow Templar would risk the wrath of his commander for a lowly mage.

His voice dropped to a hush, as he pretended to console my sister, I heard him say “She is more than a mage to me”

Her eyes looked from you to Cullen, she wanted to say she was happy for you, but it was not the time, and it never would be, as that future you had so hoped for was to end tomorrow at dawn. Your sister did not question the shackles or Cullen for his choices, which was the only kindness she could show you, it was all she was able to do. You were shocked that your brother was the one on your side, you had never expected anything from him but cruelty. 

“I will speak to the bitch myself” he seethed.

You almost laughed as his declaration, picturing him running up to his commander and shouting her down was appealing, but he had a life to lead after this.

“No brother, you are a Templar, well respected just like father, I would not have you risk your future on this moment”

“Why do you always do that” he sobbed.

You could not embrace him, so he flung his arms round you. He shook from the force of his sobs, when he recovered himself enough to speak he whispered “I am so sorry for everything, I never meant to blame you for anything, I was just so angry, and I took it out on you, please forgive me”

He barely remained standing; Cullen aided him to stay standing tall. “I forgive you, please let the anger rest, let it rest with father” I pleaded.

“I will” he strained. 

He fell back in line with faceless mourners, you sister looked to you, she had no words for you at first, but she said something you didn’t expect “Please do not make my sister tranquil, she is better than us, she will not give in, she never has, even on us” she looked to your brother. 

“I cannot discuss this” Cullen stated pointedly, quickly looking away.

But you could see the strain in his face as he held back the tide of emotions, you were both close to breaking point, both fearing that final push. You were staying eerily calm thus far, but you could feel the pain rising with each exchange, each moment you need to hold someone and could not.

When the service began, you were relegated to the side like some cast off. It was in that moment that you could no longer hold it back, your brother, and sister left the clamour, and took to your side, your sister taking your shackled hand. The tears flowed freely, you didn’t care to hear the words of his years of service, and you could not hear them above your own strangled cries, people were glaring at you, but you didn’t care, how dare they judge your grief, it was bad enough that you were condemned by criminals, and someone you had once called friend.

Your sister held tightly to you as you wept upon her shoulder, they called upon your brother to light the pyre, but he could not. You recovered your strength staining against the weight of the shackles you took his burden. The priest was about to protest when Cullen silenced him, you walked slowly toward the pyres, casting a last glance upon both winters, and your father. Your eyes lingered on them “I will see you both soon enough, you both meant so much to me, I am glad I got to tell you that” you croaked.

Through bleary eyes you watched as your outstretched hand lit the pyres, finally freeing them from their mortal bonds.

You kept your eyes upon them both, and you did not move until the fires were smouldering, and all that was them was truly gone. Your heart was heavy, your eyes pained. 

You were guided away by Cullen; he took you to one side, away from the prying eyes of mourners. Breaking his silence with a heartfelt plea “Please do not let this be the last thing I do for you, you could run, your skilled enough to hold them off” he begged.

“I can’t do that, they would hurt you, and that I could not live with. If you even try it, I will run back so fast and turn myself in” You stressed, finding his pain hard to bear on top of your own.

“But you wish me to live with this, I know what you want me to do, you want me to kill you, how can I kill the first woman I have truly loved, this can’t be how it ends, maker please don’t let this be it” he cried toward the sky, as if expecting a response, he held his steely gaze with the sky, and silence reigned as his answer. It was over, you did not want to die, but you would not live as a tranquil.

Cullen looked broken, his hands shaking “I must lose you, why is fate so cruel” he seethed.

Taking you by the waist he pulled you into an embrace, you lay your head upon his shoulder, the pain did not stop, but the world seemed to stop, like it was only the two of you. His arms like a protective shield from the world, he pulled you away slowly, kissing you softly, as tears coursed down your cheeks. Both of you did not wish to let go, did not want to be parted, you loved him, and you had hoped for so much more, you had imagined him as a father, and how he would be a wonderful husband and father, but you had rarely ever gotten what you wanted. Afresh wave of pain, and disappointment hit you as Meredith’s harsh voice cut into your precious last moments together before the end.

Cullen sniffed, wiping his tears away, putting on a stone like expression to meet the harsh glare of his commander “We have to leave” she hissed.

“Can I not say goodbye to my brother, and sister?” You pleaded.

She was unmoved “There is not time, they can see you tomorrow morning if they wish to say goodbye” she almost smiled, as if the cruelty of her words brought her joy.

Cullen’s brow was knitted; he walked you away to the cry of his commander ordering him back, he took you to your brother, and sister. You looked to him “But” you began.

He stopped you and stated “Let this be the last thing I do for you before the end, if you will not run, let me do this”

Your brother and sister gasped realising it would be another goodbye they would have to make, you may not have been close, but they loved you never the less, and it weighed upon them to see you like this. No words were spoken, as nothing was left to say. They embraced you, Cullen had to pull you free of your sisters arms as she protested “No, no, no” in-between sobs. “Please Cullen, I can see you love her, don’t do this” she begged.

“She will not accept any offer, she is stubborn even now” he smiled through fresh tears.

“Always thinking of everyone but yourself, father was right, you were always like mother” her voice cracked with emotion.

Cullen finally pulled you away, your sister called after you both with “Make it quick Cullen, I do not want her to suffer”

It was the last thing she could do for you, and the last mercy Cullen could give you. You felt your emotions run from one extreme to another as you travelled back to your cell for the last time, you grieved for both yourself, and those you had lost. 

The morbid thought once more came to mind, and again was the little comfort you were allowed under the hawk eyed stare of Meredith, you would soon be with your loved ones again, but you would also lose those who you left behind, and that brought back the lost, and helpless feeling, you had no control over the tears that continued to rush freely. You had only one control, the hope that Cullen kill you instead of performing the rite, but it hurt you to see the broken look, the dullness in his eyes, as he knew the weight of the burden he would soon bear.


	19. How will it end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How will it end for you and Cullen?

You knew this day would be difficult for you both, coming to terms with the end was no easy task, especially not with a demon whispering promises of freedom in your ear as you slept, playing upon the fear growing within you, force-feeding it until you were frantic. You awoke upon the cold ground of your cell before the demon could make the final push to drag your poor tortured soul to its side. The demons voice was so comforting and frightening, he made promises you knew he intended to deliver, but never spoke of the price, and it was the hidden dark intent that had stayed your hand.

Cullen sorrowful eyes were not a sight to wake up to, but there could be no other way, no way out but this end, at his hand. He wanted to say so much to you before the end, but the guard assigned barged in, ruining your final moments with him. You cursed them, and you still couldn’t believe it had come to this. You could see his heart ached, his tearful eyes were cast to the ground, as Meredith ordered them to move out. It was a slow and agonising march toward the top of a nearby hill. Your breath became shallow as the time drew near, the fear rose within you, tightening your chest. You tried to stop your lip from quaking, you didn’t want to show your fear, but you could not hide it. They forced you to your knees, and you gasped. Your heart was pounding when you heard the clink of his sword against his armour.

Meredith was watching Cullen like a hawk, as he looked down upon you. He pulled his sword free slowly as not to rouse her suspicion, but his hesitance to take that final blow, drew her in. She saw his blade draw, and cried “Perform the rite, or back away commander” she ordered.

His eyes met yours, upon your knees; you looked up at him imploring him to continue through tear-filled eyes. But Meredith grabbed his arm, ordering guards to drag him away. “I will do it myself, you deserve no easy escape mage, what you are and who you are ends here, but you will live to serve those you have hurt”

You knew you were innocent, you had held strong, and still they saw fit to punish you, so great was their fear and ignorance.

You looked desperately for Cullen, but he was nowhere to be seen, lost in a sea of Templar guards, all descending upon you to make you tranquil. This was all you had feared, and slowly things seemed to descend into madness. They were threatening Cullen with all kinds of reprimands, and they were about to destroy your mind, and your love. You would be alike the undead. You panicked, their eyes dark, set upon you with an evil intent. It was in that desperate moment, when all seemed lost that you called to him, in your moment of weakness, instantly; the magical bonds broke, freeing you. Their dark eyes became fearful when they realised you were free.

“You will not take another step” you cried, in a voice that no longer sounded like your own, your eyes clouded over, revealing a new world to you, power at your fingertips, power you could use to protect those you loved, you convinced yourself, you justified your unsteady hand that outstretched to take in that power.

You felt the mana within you burn, the rush was a high you had never experienced. You cast aside the Templars as if they were ants, with a simple brush of your hand. You were in awe of this power, and you feared it.

Meredith watching them fall in your wake, spouting rhetoric as she approached “See they are all the same Cullen, do you not see their weakness”

Her voice pushed you back, you felt the control leave you, as if watching but helpless. The demon controlled your movements, your words, and actions.

“You foolish misguided mortal, you think yourself blameless, your ignorance, and fear has pushed this mortal to seek me out, and I will not let her suffer any longer”

His power, but your words spoken through him. You found yourself holding Meredith in your hand, choking the life out of her. You could see her lips turning blue, hear her struggle, her heart beat slowing. Somehow you wrestled control back long enough to release her “No” you cried, in agony as the resistance felt like white hot flame consuming you.

Looking down at your hand, then to Cullen who was now aiding Meredith. His eyes were wide with fear, disappointment and shock. You felt ashamed under his gaze “What have I done?”

“You have done nothing wrong” a voice echoed in the ether around you. “Come to your master, free me, and we will create a new world, one in which mages will not be condemned, they will be free”

A strange pull seemed to drag you to your feet, and toward the demons prison. He chose to make you walk for an inhuman amount of time, and distance to teach you that defiance would indeed be punished. Even though the souls of your feet bled, and the skin raw, you pushed on under his power. Your path to him was marked in your blood, and pain.

He continued to promise you everything you wanted, and what he wanted in return once again remained a mystery. The longer he spoke, the more you found yourself believing him, trusting him, willing to serve, save this world from itself. Descending to a prison you did not know existed, you removed the guards, freeing him with ease, and your new power and his was a force to be reckoned with.

The image of the powerful demon was not what you found locked away in that prison, you found a broken man upon his knees. His armour was caked in rust, and his own dried blood. The hood barely covered his face it was ragged and torn, the eyes that sought you out from beneath, they held a desperation. You almost felt for him as he staggered out into your waiting supporting arms, he was heavy, but you found you had the strength to aid him to walk free.

There was barely any humanity left, he had stewed in his rage for so long, it was difficult to see the pain behind it all, but it was there. He had lost faith a long time ago, but you were no fool you saw what he intended to become, and you knew he would turn into that visage that had haunted you for so long. But now you hoped you could reach him, even in the thrall of his power, you still wished to fight, holding to the light left within, that part he had not yet taken.

You finally took his hand, the hand you had held back from. It felt cold, and scaled against your palm. This was the point of no return, his grip upon you now would not relent, you had expected to change, but your human form remained, but there was purpose to this.

“We have much work to do before I can reach my full power, I need you to locate, and steal an artefact for me”

The images clear in your mind of an orb, a black orb, elven. He showed you its last known location, and the elf who may have it within his possession. His brow furrowed holding to the artefact, he looked frustrated by it, and yet he desired it.

You could sense he wanted you to kill the elf, and take it. You nodded, but had no intention of killing; there were other ways to part beings from their possessions.

You obeyed and began your long and arduous search for this elf and his artefact, you convinced yourself that you would bring Corypheus back from the brink, you would not hand him the key to that door.

This elf you were to hunt down, sensed there was something different about him, he was no mere elf. But you would find out when you finally caught up to him.

You heard whispers on your travels of Cullen posted in Kirkwall aside Meredith so she could watch over him, and feel safer in a fortress of Templars, her paranoia grew with each day after your attempt upon her life.

You wanted to go and see him but you knew you wouldn't get close, and to do so would be a bloodbath, you remained determined to not kill. Even though it tempted you just to be close to him once more, you feared he would recoil at the sight of your outstretched hand, so the risk outweighed the need, only just.

So you continued to search out this elf, as your mind cast to elves you wondered what had become of Fenris. The look of disappointment on his face had broken your heart, you hoped he had found a way to win his freedom. You had been drawing closer to finding this elusive elf. You sensed he knew you were on his trail, so maybe he finally wanted to be found, as it seemed to easy when you finally found him. You stepped free of the shadows, he eyed you with suspicion but you sensed he knew why you were here. "You know what I seek?" You stated in a demonic voice.

"Yes, I know but I also sense the struggle within you, your nature fights hard against a demon threatening to consume it whole, I have not seen many humans who could hold back such a possession, you must be powerful, that's why he chose you"

"As are you, that must be why he seeks this artefact you hold"

"You see much, take the orb I have no use for it" she stated in pure frustration, casting it aside as if was a mere bauble.

"You can't access it can you?" You stated with a malicious glee.

"Be gone demon, you may be powerful but do not test me" he warned, his back now to you, as not to reveal his current expression.

You didn't care to battle him, so you took what you had come for and left. The orb was heavy, a strange spark leapt free of its dark core. A starling green bolt of lightning spat from its centre, shocking both you and its previous owner.

"Can you access its power?" He pressed with curiosity.

But after a time the orb fell to shadow, nothing broke free as you both observed it, he then shooed you away hastily, his disappointment clear in his eyes cast to ground.

You left him, as you pulled further away the orb once again sprang to life, you could access it, whatever it was. The power pouring forth was greater than Corypheus or you. You placed it in cloth, then a satchel to hide your possession from prying eyes, you didn't want to have the kill an opportunist thief who was foolish enough to think this a mere bauble to sell. You held it at moments during your journey, watching the hypnotic green light spew forth into this world. The power at your fingertips was so tempting to take for yourself; you almost opened the orb, not knowing how or why you knew its secrets so well.


	20. Master or monster?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will you serve or defy?

You returned with the orb, you considered handing it over, but instead you found lies escaping your lips. You had used your magic to hide it; your orb was safe from his greedy fingers, the power within spoke to you, and you alone. His devastation quickly turned to anger, neither moved or frightened you, as you knew he was no match for you, he cast an imposing figure, but he could not intimidate you. This disillusioned human man would not be allowed to find a way to tap back into his power. 

You pondered taking his place, you would be a merciful ruler, you would not destroy this world, you would reshape it. You daydreamed about a grand throne made for you, Cullen at your side, the magisters made tranquil, a taste of their own bitter medicine. 

These dreams began to draw you to the orb, tempted to tap into its power to have these dreams realized, but you stayed your hand. Some part of you still could see the world for what it was, and your mentor for who he was, a dangerous wounded animal, and now he felt cornered. You turned from your orb to him, you found that you were reaching him, calling upon his sliver of humanity, pulling him and yourself from the shadow.

He became alike a true mentor, passing on his knowledge of magic, and the world. The anger and distaste for the world, and those with in it, he revealed to you. He often told you how you were the first in many years that had given him hope for things to be different. His voice no longer had that evil rasp to it, but a soothing dulcet tone, both of you were more than lost, and you were hoping that you had the power to find him, and yourself. But his desire for power never abated, and you soon discovered he had found other means, another source of power, one you recognized. The red aura that began to engulf his being, that warm comforting glow, you recalled the calm it had given to you. He offered it to you as if it was a gift, but you recalled the pain, the paranoia, the loss of self, just the need growing, and never being fulfilled. When you refused the lyruim he began to look upon you differently.

As the years drew on you watched Corypheus fall to his darkness, you could no longer reach or see him. You had held back the orb from him, you had guised its power, but the stronger he became, the more likely he was to sense it, and your betrayal in hiding it. 

The amount of red lyruim he consumed was beginning to distort his face, he looked less human with each new dose. He was addicted, and nothing you said would stop this madness, his paranoia was getting out of hand. He seemed only to trust you, but even that was tentative, and you knew once he discovered the orb, he would trust no one.

You to had become more powerful, your power rivaling his. You took great pride in over taking your new mentor, or at least you had in the beginning. At first you felt a strange bond with him, he took advantage of your need for a father like figure, you were no fool but you played to it, as it took away the pain. His words could often sound wise, and insane in equal measure, that it was often difficult to tell the two apart. So you began your descent into the darkness willingly, holding to his guiding hand. His madness became yours, but there was still always that one part of you that remained human despite the manipulation, and the mind games, he never managed to make you his little abomination, a crazed demon upon his leash. 

You were loyal to a fault, but you had also never taken a life, your strength was the one thing he admired, and despised in you, he wanted your power for himself, but he watched you wield it with a look a kin to awe, the red mist clouded them of late so you were unsure.

You were off to sneak a peak at the orb, its untapped power held you entranced. But you could not find it, you could swear this was were you had hidden it, you had felt so ingenuis hiding it in plain sight. But the panic rising within you now made you feel foolish, your panicked gaze darted, you searched every corner. How could you have lost it you chided, it was the one thing left you had felt was beautiful in its darkness, and the light within always brought a smile to your lips, you were frantic when you heard the bone chilling declaration from Corypheus “Looking for this”

You spun upon your heels, your orb in his hands, you felt a sense of digust. But soon the fear crept in as he observed it and pressed you “How long have you had this?”

Your eyes widened, you were speechless. You awaited his rage, but it did not come, instead an eerie silence fell between you.

Then he merely stated "Why cling to light my protégé, I see the struggle within you, it hurts you, let me in" he spoke softly, luring you to let down your final defences. 

Each time you refused he grew more frustrated, he no longer looked to you as his protégé, he looked to you as a threat.

He no longer allowed you in on his plans, he kept you in the dark. You followed him to a debate raging in the conclave. You saw Templar and Mage at each other's throats, this was nothing new, but you thought maybe you could be a voice of reason. You were disappointed as you walked away from the conclave, you flinched when you heard a loud bang sound behind you, you turned to see all aflame.

"I tier of the petty squabbles of humans" he groaned in frustration.

He had the orb in his hand, it did not flare for him, it only came to life when you drew close, but the beautiful green flares bled into red as it fed off the power within him, he twisted even this. It would not reveal its secrets to him. Like you the orb would not be so easily broken, you found yourself reaching for it, then it sparked to life. You looked to him as the abomination he now was, that humanity had faded away, like the flames that had raged behind you, it now darkened and smouldered, and like the ashes of the poor souls not entombed within themselves it blew away.

And it seemed he was not done, there were mages, and Templars aiding him "bring forth the sacrifice" he cried, your eyes widened. 

What fresh hell did he have in store, you shuddered to think. You heard a woman cry "what is going on here?"

Your master called "kill the intruder"

You knocked the orb free of his hand, and as it fell at this unknown woman's feet, it remained dark, you did the only thing you could to save her, you accessed the power of the orb. It came to life with a blinding green light, dragging her away, you could only hope it was to safety.

You had only save one life, but it was not enough as so many had died in flame that day. The guilt consumed you, but you couldn't dwell upon that, the look upon his face was demented, you had to run.


	21. What now?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have to run, where will you go?

You escaped under a hail of fire that Corypheus rained down upon you, he sent his mind controlled lackeys in waves to kill you, so great was his fury. Any trust he had for you was lost, you were no long his protégé, but his enemy, and he let you know it.   
You ran free of the conclave, they gave chase, it took some time for you to lose them, and all you could think was how you had lost your orb, you didn't know why that was the first concern. You began to obsess, thinking that maybe you could go back and retrieve it, it was calling to you. It took all that remained of your will to not run back.

It was then you heard a familiar voice, you couldn’t quite place it, but you followed this voice to a place cloaked by magic, as you stepped inside, you drew back seeing Dorian. Shock and rage held you motionless for a moment, as he drew closer you found your feet able to step back; you were still weary of him. He held up his hands as you retreated "I am here to help I assure you" he cried.

 

You stopped short of leaving the protective cloak, you looked into his eyes, feeling a rage burning within your chest, tempted to let go finally, and become that abomination just to get your revenge. You had so much to say, you shook with the anger that bubbled red hot in your veins. The glare you were giving him, forced him to turn away in shame.

 

"I know, I failed you" his voice was small, his tears stained the ground. He looked up to you, his eyes glassy. "It was another lie of my fathers, he told me they made you leave Tevinter, or maybe they didn't trust him with the truth. But you were right, he wanted to change me, I should have listened to you" his voice heavy with emotion.

 

You felt your heart strings pull, you wanted to hold to your fury, that feeling of betrayal, but you found yourself drawing closer, still weary, but you couldn't hold back, you embraced him. You both knelt to ground holding tightly to each other, you had missed him so much, the pain of the betrayal still stung, but you could not turn him away, he was so sincere. After you pulled up, the beautiful reunion moment passed. 

 

"What is makers name have you done?" He pressed.

 

"I have made a dreadful mistake Dorian, they tried to make me tranquil and I turned to the demon in a moment of weakness, and I have unleashed hell upon this world, this cannot be the last thing I do. I know I can defeat him, I have the power"

 

"He won’t face you alone, so we must be careful as to how we approach him, caution, nothing foolish" He gave you that knowing look.

 

""What?" you exclaimed.

 

"I know you’re reckless, you may do it with good intention, but it’s dangerous, and we need you to defeat this monster unleashed. And do not be so hard upon yourself if you had not unleashed him, he would have found another" he tried to reassure you.

 

It did nothing to take away the guilt weighing heavily upon you, but it did return some of your faith in people, the human part of you felt stronger, this weakened your magic. You felt light headed, you had to hold to the cavern wall, you stumbled forward, as things blurred, a horrible realisation dawned upon you, you would have to become an abomination to destroy him, but that would risk you falling under his power, this was not going to be easy.

 

You looked to Dorian, he looked weary as if he had been traveling for some time, you felt for him knowing how painful the realisation would have been. "Dorian how are you managing?" you asked wistfully.

 

He turned slowly, leaning against the wall for support, his eye contact sparse as tears coursed his cheeks. His voice wavered as he began "It broke me; I knew he could be cruel at times, but this I couldn't believe he would do such a thing. He wanted to destroy who I am, and I had turned you away, so I suffered alone. I had to leave, that's when I began searching for you, I am so glad I found you, but am sorry it was like this, I am sorry it had to be this way, if I had stood up for you, if I would have listened, you would not have been so desperate, so alone" he wept.

 

"Dorian there is plenty of blame to go round; we can only do what we can now. But I am glad your father didn't succeed, you’re too wonderful to change" you said this with a confidence you didn’t feel, but you didn’t want him to suffer.

 

This brought a weak smile to his lips, slowly creasing the corners of his eyes. "Yes wrinkles wouldn't suit this lovely face" he allowed a genuine smile to cross his face; you both savoured the small joy in the moment. "What do we do now?" he pressed, the smile fading from his face.

 

"You are right we need to cautious, taking him on directly will only lead to us failing. I know he is paranoid, all that lyruim, so maybe convince him his enemy is elsewhere, so we can get to him"

 

"Finally a plan, I do not want to lose you again" he stated with a shaky voice. He took your hands, holding them firmly, smiling reassuringly, as an unspoken promise. "What happened to your Templar?" he asked wearily.

 

"It has been so long, I have only heard rumours. They asked him to perform the rite"

 

"Oh maker, I didn't realise just how cruel the magisters could be, I am so sorry, so he saw you turn to your demon. Maybe we can find him, and you can talk, you are still more human than demon, and he loves you, that doesn't die so easily" he smiled kindly.

 

"But the look upon his face Dorian, I think I destroyed him by giving in like that, my fear got the best of me" you confessed, hanging your head with the weight of the words, and the pain of the memory, oh maker that look in his eyes.

 

"We all falter, we will not let this mistake destroy the world, and finally Corypheus will no longer hide in the shadows preying upon the vulnerable to aid him, we will destroy him. You are no abomination, I can see that, there is humanity, and reason within you, it seems clearer the longer you are with me" he smiled "I have never been a good influence before, too much pressure" he joked.

 

You smiled widely, then sighing heavily "The problem is that I am more powerful less human"

 

"I won’t let you become an abomination, we will find a way, weaken him first, then attack him, there is always a way. You’re my friend not a sacrificial lamb" he chided.

 

It felt good to around non demonic or possessed people; to be around a friend, his presence held a joy that you thought was lost to you. You had almost forgotten the freedom of free will, and the responsibility that came with it.


	22. Temptation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You thought yourself impervious to it, but you learn you are vulnerable like any other

The chase began a new in the light of day, you and Dorian were exhausted as they hunted you down like dogs. It was only when the chase ceased again that you both became truly suspicious. Your eyes narrowed, you could sense a great power, you new that feeling, it was red lyrium clouding the air, awakening the memory of the addiction. You both grasped tightly to your staffs ready to cast, the mana tingling in the ends of your fingers. A man walked through the tree line, his eyes alight with the rush of the lyrium, he was truly in the thralls of the addiction. You could tell he had once been a handsome man, but the lyrium had begun to twist his features, making him look less human. He had a blade sheathed upon his hip, but he did not reach for it, he held his hands up in gesture of peace, or maybe this was to lull you both into a false security before killing you.

"I am not here for a fight, I am here to speak with you, on behalf of the elder one" his eyes set upon you.

"Elder one?" You echoed, you knew of whom he spoke, but this was not a title you had ever referred to him as.

"Yes, you know of whom I speak, he wishes only that you return to his side, which given your betrayal is more than generous" the red in his eyes flared with his rage, this lyruim addiction was advanced, he was close to taking on the beastly visage of Corypheus. You dropped your guard, giving the appearance of heeding his word.

"You can't be seriously considering hearing him out?" Dorian exclaimed.

"No but leading them away from you given the power I am sensing they could very well kill us, I can't be depriving the world of you" you smiled.

"I will not leave you, and what do you mean they?" he was insistent, and confused.

"Yes your friend is correct, my masterpieces of creation are blocking your escape" he stated with such a sense of pride it sickened you, as you saw them step closer, they were no longer human, their skin raw, and torn by lyrium growths, they backs arched, their faces monstrous, nothing human remained, he had destroyed these men, and called it a masterpiece, this is what his predecessor had wanted to make of you, you were thankful Cullen had killed him, or this could have very well been you. Recalling Cullen made you wistful despite the current danger, you looked to the leader with scorn.

"He said you wouldn't understand them, they have an untapped power. Will you hear me out?" he called.

"Can you assure my friends safety?" You negotiated.

"Him, he is of no consequence to us" he dismissed Dorian.

Dorian's heckles rose. "Do you trust me?" You whispered to him, he nodded.

You cast a sleeping spell, catching him mid fall. The red Templars readied to attack, you declared "I do not trust you to not use him as a bargaining chip, I will not leave, but I am sending him to safety"

He agreed, allowing you to transport him to safety. Dorian would be furious, but you only cared that he lived to rage at you, that was if you survived. Once Dorian was safe, he drew closer, leading you to a rock formation that allowed you both to sit, the elements did not faze either of you, you were to intent upon keeping an eye upon him, and he had his own mission, do draw you back to Corypheus.

You had no intention to hear him out, but you felt the strange hold of lyrium calling to you, warming you, lulling you into a relaxed state, reminding you of all it could offer you. He smiled as if he knew the battle raging within you "Yes you would be the only mage I know of to survive the lyrium trials, that untapped power runs within you, you need only allow me to draw out" he whispered in a seductive manner, addling your mind with his intense red glare. This made you to let your guard down, his voice began to sound melodic, and his words sounded so reasonable, so alluring. You had to shake yourself free of the thrall, jolting up, and pacing until, you felt the fog lift, he grumbled at your resistance, so he changed his tact.

"Your the Mage who paved my way to greatness, I suppose I should be thanking you for killing my predecessor, you recall this?"he smiled darkly, standing up, steeping toward you producing a piece of red lyruim, he dangled it before you enticing you to take it. You stayed your hand, he pulled closer, his fingers tracing your cheek as his red eyes held your gaze they had a hypnotic quality to them, drawing you in. One hand upon your shoulder, the second holding to the side of your face gently. He leant forward whispering "let go, I see your suffering, let me take it away,soothe your mind"

He traced the red lyrium across your skin "Is it not all you remember, the peace, the music, the warmth" you gasped as the vapour filled your lungs, that small taste made you shudder, the warmth spreading throughout your body, giving you that rush of power you could recall, the bad memories seemed to not exist for you in that moment. He placed his hand to the small of your back pulling you to him, tracing your lips with the lyrium, as you closed your eyes enjoying another taste of power, he took his lips to yours, the lyrium radiated from him to you, gripping the back of your neck he deepened the kiss, enjoying having you under his power, a human thrill and need caught him by surprise as he continued to seal his lips to yours. He was the one to break the kiss, he had not intended to, he had you, but then he had wanted you instead, he chided what remained of his human nature.

He tried to approach you, the thrall clouding your mind, but his lack of proximity cleared your mind a little. You backed away as he tried to draw you back in "No" you cried, you couldn't believe he had almost had you, you felt a fool, the power of the lyrium was more than you realised. You were shocked at how close you were to giving in, it had felt easier, the pain had dulled in that moment, but you had to be strong. You used your magic to hold him from you "Do not be so foolish, we offer you power, a seat beside a new god" he spat, all pretence of civility vanished.

"A god, is that what he had declared himself" You mocked.

"Don't you dare mock him" he growled clinging to the hilt of his sword. Laughing as your spell faltered. "Your not demon enough to kill me" he drew his blade.

"I may not be, but I do not need to kill you, I need only to escape"

"This is your last chance, we will not accept you back after this" he warned you, imploring you to reconsider, still silently cursing himself.

You knew you needed a window of escape, you had to make him make a mistake, catch him of guard. So you said in a mocking tone "I will not serve him, or you, and I can imagine when he learns what's left of your human side was more interested in fucking me, than turning me he wont be pleased with you either"

He growled in fury, lunging the blade, his motion was clumsy, so you were able to evade him, and disappear before he could alert his monsters to attack. 

You appeared in a cave next to a very angry, and relieved Dorian. He looked as if he couldn't make up his mind what to go with first, but he chose to embrace you while chiding you. You could deal with Dorian's wrath, at least he was safe, you bore fresh marks from the lyrium contact, this was a reminder to you, you were still susceptible, the more human you were the greater the effect of lyrium, the more demon you became the stronger the connection to Corypheus, you couldn't win. You knew you would have to be more careful, you needed Dorian's support more than you realised.


	23. A lost soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Dorian find a lost soul under attack

You felt a mild craving for red lyruim as we continued to press on, you had to find a way to corypheus before he found a way to you. You spend days living upon our wits, and a razor edge. You used magic sparingly, you feared the power would draw him to you. Dorian took to hunting only because you couldn't bring yourself to hurt an innocent animal, even to live. He had to eventually force you to eat, as you fainted from exhaustion. You felt guilty for dragging your friend into this hell, and your own paranoia, which had sparked with just a touch of lyrium. You pulled up leaning my back to a harsh, cold rock face, looking to Dorian who was diligently sorting out what we had left, and what we would need.

"Dorian, I am sorry to drag you into this mess" feeling no small measure of guilt.

He spun round "Don't be foolish, you will never survive this without me" he smiled broadly, he could always lighten the mood, no matter how dark things got, he had always found a way to pull you out.

And he was right the one time you were without him, not through choice, you faltered under the immense pressure. You still beat yourself up for that moment of weakness, things would have been better for all but you if you had merely accepted becoming tranquil. The very idea made you shudder, to be one of those un-dead mages you had met. There was no light in their eyes, no semblance of a personality or who they once were. They did not live, they merely existed. They felt nothing, better to be dead than tranquil, it was a fate worse than death. Despite the severity of the consequences you were glad you had fought against it.

"Where do we go now?" you mused aloud.

Dorian was about to make a suggestion he didn't seem all to comfortable with, but before he could start a scream rang out not far from your camp. You dragged yourself up, light headed you staggered forward following after Dorian, not listening to his protests.  
You and Dorian had to be weary; corypheus would not give up so easily, despite being hunted down, you were glad to have your friend at your side once more. It was not as easy as all is forgiven, but you could still delight in each other’s company, it was the trust that felt shaky at times, you would cast a weary eye to him, wondering when he would turn on you again. corypheus was still connected to you, and he played upon these fears, but you fought him every step of the way, not holding anything back, you feared h would judge you. But he never did, he only told you “Keep fighting my friend, I have faith in you"

His belief in you always gave you the strength you needed, he was more than willing to reassure you that the demon spoke only lies. Walking into a clearing where you had heard the blood curdling cry, you could see demons had somehow found their way into this world, and where shredding this poor unfortunate to shreds, both you and Dorian took between the demons and their victim. Creating a shield repelling the oncoming horrors. Their cries forced your hands to your ears; they did not attack you, only Dorian, in an attempt to get to their prize. It sickened you to know they thought you to be one of them, a kindred demon, friend not foe. Well you would show them the error of their ways, you were their enemy, and you showed them in a hail of fire, Dorian was forced to stay your hand, as the anger burning with you sprang a continuous stream of flame at a now long incinerated demon.

“Stop, he is dead, you showed them whose side you’re on, now don’t become them in the process” he pleaded seeing the pure rage burning in your eyes.

You gasped in a breath, the fire dissipating into the air. Still shaking from the power of the frenzy, you took deep slow breaths, trying to steady yourself. The only thing that managed to ground you was “You are the natural born healer, help the poor soul” he called looking down upon the bloodied, mangled mess, it was hard to believe this was a person, and that they had survived such a vicious attack. A weak lukewarm breath cast over your hand, they were breathing, you had not used your good magic in sometime you hoped it would just come back to you, their life depended upon it.

You struggled to find the strength, and will to heal, believing all good had left you long ago. “There is good in you, I can see it, why do you refuse to?” Dorian pressed, his earnest expression, brought forth tears. As they trickled down your cheeks, you felt a rush of mana to your fingers warming them like fire, your feared you were about to incinerate the poor innocent, but flicker of green light surrounded you, the light rushed through her. It was a powerful healing spell, it did not wake her from her weakened state, but it pulled them out of danger. You began to relax as you felt their heartbeat strengthen, and their breaths deepen, they would be ok, you had healed, rather than hurt someone, you were relieved.

Lifting them up gingerly, you carried them to shelter. You sought out herbs, and supplies to see them through the night. You hauled up in a dank cave, at least it was a shield from the elements. The rain had begun to fall, the sound of the drops hitting the rock, and the trees outside was soothing, the gentle sound consumed your mind, you occasionally broke from your peaceful reverie to check upon the injured party. Still caked in their own dry blood, no features were defined, so you could tell nothing of them, other than they were lucky to survive.

You wondered over to Dorian who was also staring wistfully into the distance. You slumped next to him, he turned smiling gently. “Who would have thought we would both end up running from two crazed fools wanting to make us in to something we are not” he laughed softly.

“Am I not evil?” You posed your voice wavered with the rush of emotion that followed.

“Am I?” He retorted, his expression stern.

“Be serious Dorian” you scolded thinking he was making fun of your plight.

“I am, to my father I do not match the measures of what makes a good son, or a good magister, he wanted to mould me into another servant to the imperium, it can be so much more than it is, I hate him for aiding in the destruction of my home, for trying to change my very being. I felt as though he saw me as a demon, the way he looked at me” Dorian was forced to stop, the memory was too fresh, the tears rushed free of his glassy eyes.

In a reflex, you took your arms around his shoulder; he pulled you into a tight embrace. And for that moment he allowed all the pain out, amid gasps, and sobs, he told you the whole horrifying tale. Your demonic nature willed you to rush to Tevinter and kill his father were he stood, but you did not move, you listened to his pained words. It broke your heart to hear how shaken he was by his father’s cruelty, you felt helpless, what could you say.

“I wouldn’t change a thing about you Dorian” you stated, hating yourself for that being all you could manage, he needed wiser words, not platitudes.

He relaxed in your arms, pulling back, he had a weak smile upon his face “Yes you are right, I am perfect, what fool can’t see that”

You wanted to say so much more, but your words failed you, so you just leant your head upon his shoulder, he pulled you in. “You are no abomination, I will not let you fall, I have got you my friend” he assured you.

You began to think you may just make it free of this darkness, when a scream shocked you free of your comfortable daydreaming of the possibility of a happy life, it faded as quickly as it had appeared. You chided your foolishness, and ran to the injured party’s side. They cried out in fear, and delirium. Their brow was feverish, they were burning up. There had to be a poison somewhere in their system, but to discover what it was amongst all these claw marks was going to be a nightmare.

“Shit Dorian it’s poison, how am I supposed to find out in time what poison?” You panicked, looking down upon the poor soul in your care, to survive one affliction to fall to another was just a cruel twist of fate, you growled in frustration, as you began to inspect the cuts with magical light, in was a painstaking process, but there was no other way. As the time drew on you feared for them, as they shook violently in your arms, you noticed a dark tar like substance in one of the marks. Had they not have fallen to the throes of a fit against the poison, you would never have seen it. You recognised it; this was from a poisonous plant the cure was not easy to come by. And you didn’t know where you were, but the plant tended to grown in the swamps next to the danger itself. Nature provided poison and cure next to each other, this cure was discovered purely by accident, someone in a state of delirium after being poisoned ate the plant not even aware of what they were consuming. 

You hoped to have the same dumb luck in finding my way in this darkness, and to happen the cure would be a miracle.


	24. Promises

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You look for the cure to save the innocent, a message is delivered with devastating clarity

You ran in the growing dark, it seemed to deepen the further you raced from camp. You did by chance run into marshlands in your aimless panic, the only downside being that you had in your haste stepped into a bog, and were slowly but surely sinking. You did not have time for this, you knew if you struggled you would lose all chance of escape. So you scanned the nearby area, nothing was of use was at hand. So magic was required and powerful magic, so you would have to allow a part of yourself to become demon, but you justified it for good. You raised yourself with an ease normal spells would not provide, that power was intoxicating, but you could not give in now if you did the innocent would perish, and you knew you would lose yourself.  
So with all the will and energy you had left you released the power coursing through you, you would not be that weak again.

Free from the prison of mud, you cast a whisp to light your search, the wrong plant would have no effect, so you had to be right. Staring intently at each flower, and stem that held it, until you finally found the cure, assuring yourself it was not the poison itself as their similarities were many. You lit a fireball, so the blaze of light could make things clear, taking the plant in hand edged it up by its roots.

Once you had what you needed you knew it was a race against time, whispers called you to teleport yourself to her, but that kind of power was just a temptation. You raced back toward the cave, recalling your aimless steps as if they lay clear before you, dropping to your knees you set a pot, and a flame to boil free the antidote. As you waited the waters turn to an amber hue you were restless, your eyes cast to the innocent barely holding to life, then back to the pot before you. It felt like the longest drawn out moment, when the water finally turned alike to honey, you gently pulled them up, they were more slight than you recalled, so easy to move. You poured the boiling liquid down their throat, not caring if you scolded their tongue, that they could live with, there was no time for it to cool. You held to them waiting for their breathing to ease, you held them close, observing the barely perceptible motion of their chest, they were a she, very slight, and the blood splatter had obscured much, she was a fighter.  
You found you could only breath easy when she did, you could now see her chest moving, hear her wheezing. Never had you wished for such a grating sound, but it was a relief, she would survive.

Dorian took his turn at watching her, squeezing your shoulder "come now you need your beauty sleep more than I" he teased.

Only Dorian could have made you smile in that moment, exhausted and in great need of sleep you did not argue. You dropped to ground, and the darkness took you. But it was no restful sleep as Corypheus was calling to you, he made his usual empty promises. And when he saw they fell upon deaf ears, he promised you a life with Cullen, something no longer possible given your closeness to being an abomination, a simple push would have you.

You barely cast a look to him as he continued to tell you how he would gift him to your side if you would only return to his. Promising you the lyrium you still craved, he was tireless in his efforts to force your hand.

You jolted awake more weary than when you had fallen to ground, your eyes strained in the light now blinding. You could see Dorian arms crossed waiting for something, you could see your innocent in a blur, they moved around in pain but they lived.  
You dragged your aching body up, wondering out, taking aside Dorian.

"I think you need to bathe too, you smell like you fell into that marsh" Dorian coughed and spluttered for comic effect.

You smiled weakly before you staggered toward the river, taking to it in your clothes, not caring for the chill of the water lapping over you. You soon felt clean, a little more alert but still weary, the heaviness would not shift. As once again the chase would continue, Corypheus was not going to let you go. You had resisted him once again, but your waining energy made you wonder how long you would last.

Pulling out of the river soaked to the bone, you left a small river in your wake. You wrung your hair, trying to dry off, thankful of the sun now as it gave you back a little of the precious warmth the water had zapped from you. You slumped against a tree, dozing was the only peace you would manage to find. You heard light footsteps approaching you, you pulled up turning to face the intruder. A small blonde woman with light freckles was holding up her hands in a show of meaning you no harm. "I didn't mean to startle you, I just wanted to thank you for saving me" she smiled brightly, wincing with still a hint of lingering pain.

You barely recognised her without the blood covering her, she looked much improved, a remarkable recovery. You were glad you had managed to do one thing right, you dragged yourself up, and returned to the cave knowing soon it would not be safe, you looked around for Dorian but he was nowhere to be seen. Relaxing against the stone wall, you looked to the woman you had saved.

"What on earth were you doing so far out here?" you pressed, realising you still knew nothing of this woman, not even her name.

She pulled up, when she staggered you took to her side, pulling her arm around your shoulder to support her. You were shocked to be pulled into an embrace, she whispered "I have a message"

You felt confused, narrowing your eyes. The confusion faded when the pain cut through your back, she turned the blade relishing in your agonised screams, as the blade tore your muscles, and began a fatal internal bleed. The warmth oozing down your back, became a river when she dragged the blade free. She aided you to ground, looking down at you with disgust "He offered you everything and you denied him, so now you have one final chance, turn to him now and live" she spat.  
You looked away from her, gasping for breath. "Defiant to the end. Don't worry it will be slow, and painful just as you deserve"

There was truth in her cruel words, the pain was dull and throbbing when you were still, but when it forced you to writhe the pain renewed in sharp tearing unbearable waves of torture. Your shrieks of pain rang out, the pain slowly lessened, and became a cold numb feeling spreading through out your now still muscles. You knew you were dying, you had hoped you would have fixed everything before your end. So much was unfinished, so many things you had not done, you had not redeemed yourself, or spoken to Cullen. Your memory would be that of the fool who unleashed hell upon Thedas, this forced sorrowful tears to fall from your red swollen eyes. It wouldn't be long now, you would die alone in a field, a fitting end you scoffed morbidly.  
You heard a faint cry, you didn't feel him by your side but you saw him and heard him. "Maker, I can heal you" Dorian cried.

"It is too late for me Dorian, please don't let this be the last thing I do, I don't want them to remember me as a demon who destroyed Thedas. And talk to Cullen for me, please will you do this for me" you sobbed.

"I will, I promise you" he muttered amidst his tears.

That was something, you were at not alone, you began to feel cold, Dorian seemed distant as you lay still. The broken expression of your friend was your last image before death took you in the final embrace.

After holding to you pained by his grief, Dorian buried you, and set off to keep his final promise.

He found Cullen in what remained of Kirkwall, they nodded upon seeing each other. Cullen did not wish to see him, enough had happened he didn't need to be reminded of her. But Dorian remained, he looked as if he wanted to talk, his face was stern, his eyes pained. Maker this was something serious, he groaned inwardly, he was so sick of bad news, what had become of her. What hell had she wrought as a demon, a demon he could not raise his sword to destroy, what new second-hand blood now lay upon his hands, he dare not think.

Before Dorian began he stated coldly "I do not need to hear of that abomination"

Dorian's pained expression flared into rage "How dare you, the woman who died in my arms was no abomination" he stated through gritted teeth, staying his hands which were itching to hurt the now shocked man before him.

Cullen's eyes widened upon hearing those words "But how?" he finally stammered.

"She would not give the demons what they wanted, so they killed her. Damn bastards distracted me, lured me away, and killed her using her good nature against her" he sighed heavily, feeling unsure of his footing, he staggered back. "Maker" he breathed, the tears threatening to resurface, he gathered his breath, using all his strength to stand up straight.

Cullen was still in shock, he felt ashamed for believing her lost, how could a demon stay its hand as she had with Meredith. Given the events not long passed, her killing Meredith may have been a saving grace, but that didn't bare giving any more thought to. He had to grieve, but how could he grieve.

"Would you like to go to her grave?" Dorian suggested knowing the comfort it gave him to speak to his friend even knowing she couldn't hear him.

"Yes" was all Cullen could manage.

Dorian took him to the grave he had dug with tears in his eyes, marked by a simple cross.

Cullen did not know what to say, he looked to the fresh dirt, still unable to believe you lay dead. His eyes misted over, dropping to his knees in a sudden wave of weakness. "I failed you, you needed me and I failed you" he cried for a time when his sobs fell silent Dorian walked over to console him.

"I failed her too, but we can grant her peace, and find a way to kill Corypheus" was all Dorian could offer.

Both made a pact in that moment, and they sought out ways, finding themselves within the inquisition, headed by the only soul she managed to save in the conclave.

Dorian became close to inquisitor she reminded him so of his good friend, and he only ever asked her one thing . To take the final killing blow to the Calpurnia who had killed his dear friend. He didn't care much for blades as he preferred magic, but this was personal. He took up a blade and with rage and venom rarely shown by him, he cut the inquisitors sword through her heart if she had one he thought darkly. He left her mortally wounded to die alone like she deserved. 

The inquisitor was shocked by that display, the blood splatter across Dorians twisted expression, but she understood, he had told her much of his friend. But it was only when Dorian watched Corypheus die, did he feel he had final lay his friend to rest.  
"I will never forget you my dear friend" he whispered to himself as all celebrated. Him and Cullen shared a sad but knowing look.


End file.
